Tuesday, July 12, 2011
My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James.
Remember when I liked dudes I actually knew-or had a chance with...and they didn't like me anyways? So I just crush on celebs because there is really minimal effort.
Well being one for tradition imma go ahead and admit my subtle longing for Ami James...and PLEASE don't ask: who? you mean the douche who looks like Vin Diesel?
Ask me that and it will not only result in a swift kick to the throat, but I would make you sit through ALL of Vin Diesel's movies! Specifically that one where he has the wig-that one will be on loop 5 times!
Anyways it all began when m'girl B turned to me and said: you know who you'd be good with?
With baited breath I waited because I knew B would have a thoughtful choice-she says: Ami James.
I am like: who?
She says: the dude on NY INK!
I reply: OHHH yeah! the guy I see go by on buses and am like damnnnn he fine! this dude I went to college with works on that show...
B then deems it meant to be because she's says Ami is chill and straight forward- and there is NO DOUBT he is a dude, no bitchasedness. B feels it is a perfect match because I am chill and straight forward...and like Ami feel like when we talk it out and it's a done deal, it's a dead issue- and if people wanna still be on it, we take it to the mats! Meaning straight fist-a-cuffs!
Upon hearing about Mr. James from both B and m'girl Marci-I decided to do my own investigating, which included actually watching NY Ink and emailing IRod aka the dude I went to college with that works on the show. Being so straight forward I asked what Ami's situation was just in case I sac'd up and was able to quit being my usual chick in a romantic comedy you root for but fumbles consistently.
IRod tells me that Ami is married with kids.
Fuckin' of course- this would just be the beginning of my obsession. Again, in keeping with tradition, gimme a dude I absolutely have NO chance with and I will lust for him immensely-please don't let me have to woman up or anything. Let me live in the fantasy please.
Anyways, enough with my issues, let's get back to Ami.
Since I am way passed the point of getting tattoo's- I have to enlist my friends to help with the minimal effort stalking I plan on doing. IRod says he'll totally introduce me- but I gets nervous and if you've been reading my blog you should know why.
I sometimes say crazy inappropriate shit.
Some see it as lovable...and some don't.
Plus, besides my love for Ami, I actually enjoy the show. Like Robear is my fave-simply because he wore a Hole hat in one episode. Then there is Chris Torres. That dude is a DICK...but I would totally just bang him. Dunno what it is...me thinks he's the Jess to my Rory Gilmore. No breakfast, hand holding or dream sharing- straight banging.
Now Ami, we would share our dreams while he taught me the Krav Magra (sp). We would then dine on Moroccan food and play skee ball for dessert.
Take that anyway you'd like.
Saturday I happened to be in Soho...which lead me to the Wooster Street Social Club aka the home of NY Ink. I was there with m'girl Margo- who like me, is not into ink on OUR bodies. On everyone else, whatever works...unless they're just ugly ass tatts.
We lounged in front of the WSC, Margo trying to get me to go inside. I was busy getting too excited seeing Robear and Billy (I think) the apprentice. Then Margo and I discussed what tatt's I WOULD get in case I actually walked inside and got a consultation. I decided on the map of Africa on my lower tummy with the Nile being near my vaginal region. Margo liked that idea but suggested that I get the map of Israel!
Yes! I again suggested that it be situated around my vag- because I like to take a joke and go...n' go! In a moment of sheer genius I say: I can always offer Ami a trip back to his motherland!
Margo and I actually high-5'd!
Then I felt my uterus quiver. This was weird because my period just ended and I wasn't around a dude I wanted to mate with...THEN I looked up and standing right by the window...looking out onto Wooster Street...was AMI 'MUTHA FUCKING' JAMES!
I could NOT believe the strength of my uterus. It literally CALLED to him. Like he just appeared. I couldn't even breathe.
Then he looked me dead in my eyes and it was time for me to go.
I thought I was going to start silently crying whilst dry humping the air- NOT a good look. So I called B and left her a message about how my uterus called Ami and then went to TopShop to decompress.
We'll keep in mind he's married, but my uterus knows NOTHING about that. It wants what it wants.
I don't know what's going to happen when I actually meet him. Will I be able to keep my shit together? Will I be so guitly from dry humping him that I get a tatt??
I'll keep you posted.