Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Time I Went To See 'Red Tails' AKA Foolish Africans
Admittedly, I did not want to see this movie. Not because I hate Black people and do not support Black films- no this was because I knew the trailers leading up to the movie would be all Tyler Perry, and ...Terrence Howard along with Ne-Yo are in this movie.
So I was real meh about it.
Then I saw commercials with explosions and my butch self got REAL excited. The peeps I went with also threw in a DELISH Thai dinner after the movie and I was like: HELLS YESSSSS!! With the promise of food and some possibly hot dudes...I went to see Red Tails.
Of course I was right, there is a NEW Tyler Perry movie coming out. Geez. Then they showed the trailer for Battleship!! What a shit show. Rihanna is in that mess. Throughout the trailer-whenever they showed her I sang 'S.O.S!!!' or 'Umbrell-ella-ella-ella ay ay ay".
I am FUN to go to the movies with. Even with the dude who sat behind us FARTING! Just think about it. My head was right around his crotch area (stadium seating). I was pissed!!
So the movie starts with impossibly bad dialogue...and then just continues with really bad dialogue. More importantly after a quote is posted about how inferior and dumb coloreds are and hence they shouldn't fight in the army, you then see some White fighter pilot dudes just get zapped by ze Germans.
OH, so Red Tails is the B movie version of the Tuskeegeee Airmen...there was a better version of their story done, this one is for this generation. A generation that idolizes Lil Wayne and Kim Kardashian.
The time is the 1940's and Whitey has finally allowed Blackie to fight the good fight...which meant not fighting at all. Just flying around shooting standing targets. No glory in that.
This sends Babywipes aka Terrence Howard into a TIZZY. He's a colonel or something so he is all in Washington letting The Man know that his men are just as qualified. Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle is a RACIST. He was all like: eff you Babywipes, Negroes ain't shit.
While back in Italy where the Tuskeegees are stationed, we get to know about them. I guess it was supposed to make us emotionally involved. It didn't. It did however make me ADD to my 'can get it' list! I called him Pseudo Denzel. He is FINEEEE!...I mean...DENZEL?! Pseudo Denzel is a drinker and feels mad pressure because...he looks like Denzel. That's a lot of swagger to handle. Pseudo Denzel is besties with this dude I call the Black Mans Dream. Black Mans Dream was an AWESOME pilot...and found himself a White woman to have by his side...hence...the Black Mans Dream.
There was Ne-Yo and METHOD MAN! Every time he came on the screen, I threw up the Wu sign and said, 'Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck wit!'.
There was that kid from Moesha who prayed to a Black Jesus- he might've been my favorite. Then there was this kid who pretty much sucked the youth from Cuba Gooding Jr- who was also in the movie...sucking...on...a pipe. That's all he did.
Anywho, this kid looked like Cuba.
There was music and I guess deep chats. I mostly waited for the explosions...OR was holding my breath cuz the dude behind me was SHITTING HIS PANTS.
Babywipes comes through and the Tuskeegees get to show what they're working with. They do, VICTORY ALL AROUND!
I had to give Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle props because he tells Babywipes- I don't give a solid fuck what your boys did, they still ain't shit!
Babywipes did that thing he does which makes the audience go: OOOOOOOO!....but I couldn't open my mouth because the dude behind me was SHARTING!
The guys go on another mission which gets the Black Mans Dream killed and loses the young Cuba Gooding Jr. dude...who then gets captured by some Germans leading to the BEST line in the movie.
Young Cuba is about to escape from the German clutches with some White soldiers, and just as they are about to disappear into the night the White solider says to him: you're lucky, it's not like they can see you
...because it was night time and he was Black.
Oh, the second best line was when the German fighter pilots realized they were fighting Black men. One of them says: I'll get you foolish Africans!!
So everyone is sad about the Black Mans Dream dying, and just as Ne-Yo is about to sing (AGAIN)-almost causing me to leave my mouth open and let the gas from behind KILL ME- Young Cuba returns to the group and there is a group hug...and chicken.
There was no chicken.
I left the movie not HATING IT...but definitely giving it the side eye. It made me feel a certain way knowing that Black officers not only had to deal with being soldiers but that they were still treated like shit by fellow White soldiers. It made me wanna just start throwing punches around Park Slope.
Go see the movie if you like bomber jackets, aviator specs, sexy Black dudes and B movie dialogue.