Monday, August 26, 2013

MTV Video Music Awards Rundown 2013- The. End. REALLY!!

This rundown really has to be my last because watching the MTV VMA's hurts.  Hurts my mind.  Hurts my spirit.  My swag is on low.
THE ONLY reason I sacrificed my brain cells and taste levels was for the NSYNC reunion!  The thought of JT ( Justin Timberlake) scouring Walmart/Targets/Best Buy finding the rest of them dudes and then allowing them on stage with him again was enough for me to sacrifice my well being.
Anyways, with a heavy heart and a dry vag, I give you my MTV VMA 2013 rundown...

-FUCK SWAY!!!!!!!!!!!  May he choke on 5 million coconut curry dicks- that he finds out aren't vegan and then chokes some more!!
As you can see I watched the pre-show because I wanted the blow to be soft when I watched the actual show.  It worked because the pre-show was so SHITTY.  You had that foreskin in a hat, Sway with his gang of awkward lame White randoms aka Brooklynites.  It was like MTV picked their hosts from various coffee house open mics and boutiques in Williamsburg.  You know where ever snarky White people hang AKA the real Brooklyn.
Besides the hosts being the WORST and saying things like 'look, those are genuine brownstones' or 'I feel so cool in front of this replica Brooklyn Bridge especially holding this bag of macrobiotic dicks'- I didn't know who anyone was- well most of them.  Like who is Becky G??!  She looks like Selena Gomez's bratty kid sister who is constantly sucking on sour patch kids and giving Sway handjobs (listen, its the only way anyone else touches his penis).  Then there was Austin Mahoney?  What the fuck is that- THEN I see that he is associated with Taylor 'gummi bear deep throat' Swift and I gave even less of a fuck.  Now, Ariana Grande I have heard of because I heard one of her songs and thought it was Mariah Carey.  Hate being fooled, so I checked her out.  How old is this girl?  Does she even have her period?  Is she old enough to sing about love n' shit? I dunno, she has a nice voice...ugh...I just don't care...
All the interviews on the red carpet were just blah because the celebs seemed either drunk, high or disinterested.  Then there was Katy Perry talking about her new album 'Prism'- she went on talking about letting light in and not the dark blah blah blah.  I am taking 'light' as meaning 'bouncing on John Mayer's White supremacist dick is making me feel light and light is right'. Whatevs.
Then Pharrell came out with a gang of dudes on bikes with his 40 year old FINE ASS!!!  His aura was aglow with delight and richness.  His skin is as smooth and flawless as the breeze on his yacht in St. Tropez.  To say that Pharrell can get it is an understatement.  I would roll myself to him on a Gucci skateboard covered with only the coat of a virgin mink that has been dyed a soft pink.  I would give up milkshakes just to bathe in his 'Last Dragon' glow-aura...

-The pic of Rihanna's reaction- which was her reaction to most of the show EXCEPT for JT, was my reaction to the show EXCEPT for JT and the NSYNC reunion.  Her face is the perfect 'I am unimpressed and would rather be sharting than sitting through this'.
Lada Gaga opens the shows and did 15 cokehead costume changes.  She was entertaining...I guess...the song was...catchy maybe.  Ugh.

-The first award was given for something and Selena Gomez won beating m'boo Bruno Mars.  If it's any indication, my mom was singing along to the Selena song and made some reference to it being her jam so I guess I don't know shit.

-Then Miley Cyrus happened.  With her tongue, her Gwen Stefani circa 'Ex-Girlfriend' hair, and her silver dollar (pancake) ass.  Just grinding and looking a MESS.  Listen, can we all say what she is doing is NOT twerking!  It's steady grinding, but you need ASS to twerk.  Not some flapjack ill looking shit.
She just looked so foolish - and this is not a 'hood' act she is doing , it is a STUPID ho act.  Between she and Macklemore- all we needed was Paula Deen to come out and I would've thought I was watching some Klan 'Coon Clowning' talent show.
...and then she (Miley) brought Robin Thicke out and I realized why he will NEVER beat JT.  Never.  We know my love for blue-eyed soul- Michael Mcdonald and Jon B. are like the high priests of that shit.  I love them.  I own most of Robin Thicke's CD's and have been rooting for him, I even let his work with Pharrell cloud my judgement.  Now I realize that it was just Pharrell's glow-aura that was clouding me.
I was pitting Thicke against JT, and letting Thicke come out ahead!  I forgot how much I LOVE JT- I loved him through ALL the bad hair- cornrows, fro's.  Loved him through the bedazzled bandanna's and denim tuxes.  I rode hard for my JT and then he came out with all his amazing albums and he proved why he deserved my love.
Thicke has had me wavering with him not giving Marvin Gaye props because 'Blurred Lines' is like the twin sibling to 'Got To Give It Up'.  Every DJ with a serrato and a groupie does a transition from 'Blurred Lines' to "Got To Give It Up'!!!  THEN Thicke comes out and performs with Miley Cyrus??  This is what he decides to do with his new found fame?  You have 2 amazing songs to perform, you have Kendrick Lamar n' 2Chainz on stage with you, and you let some flat assed teenager grind up on you while you're wearing a 'Beetlejuice' suit?!  You want the world to take notice of that?!  Robin Thicke HAD this amazing moment and he didn't have to do much because MTV is for the White man ESPECIALLY if they are 'raping' Black culture or just doing things that when Black people do them it's like 'meh or ghetto' but when White people do them it is 'hip, cool and the thing to do'.  Plus they win awards n' shit.
In any case, it's not like I hate Robin Thicke...but he is NO JT and he will never BE JT and that is that.  At least he has a lovely wife, a cute son, and the complexion to keep him moving in the right direction.

-I wonder what Lil Kim had ordered at the downtown Brooklyn Applebee's when they dusted her off and let her announce an award at the VMA's.  Like did she order a Pina Colada and salad or a mud slide and the spinach artichoke dip?
Also, what the fuck is an Iggy Azelia?  I mean, I have heard the name, but why should I give a fuck?

-Kevin Hart tried.  He tried his damnedest, but even he was taken under by the LAME that is MTV.

-Lately, I have been TRYING not to hate on Kanye though he makes it SO easy.  I enjoy 'Yeezus' and 'Blood on the Leaves' is a favorite song.  The performance was very 'performance artsy' which I dug because that is the spiritual plane he is on....BUT then I heard he was on that Kris Jenner shit show talking about his worst nightmare is for a BLACK man to interrupt his daughter winning an award- like he did to Taylor Swift.  REALLY?!  That is your worst nightmare.  Between him and Lil Kim's face, I felt like reading Malcolm X because the Black self hatred is just sooooo present. I guess it's his blood on the leaves from his balls being castrated- is he gonna tell his daughter he is Panamanian or something?? Anything but Black, like his girl Beyotche`- that bitch is Irish, Creole, Native American...oh and Black.
Okay, bitch.

-Seriously, I LIVED for Rihanna's reactions throughout the night.  She was the only thing that kept me from twerking my way to some back spasms.  I didn't get why the camera STAYED on Will Smith and his demon children?  Also that group One Direction...who are they?!  Mostly, the camera STAYED on Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez.  Ugh.  That was when it wasn't on Drake who looked like he was writing sonnets in his head.
Rihanna's sitting over there, but she don't care
Miley got no ass, no it ain't there
Maybe I should've worn just a vest, made of rabbit hair

I think Willow & Jaden Smith were there seeking souls to devour, but were left unsatisfied as NO ONE in the music industry has a soul!!! Moooohahahahahahah

-Was that Pharell and Daft Punk commercial for H&M?

-Of course when Taylor 'I gag on gummi bear semen' Swift won her award she was all like: thanks to the guy who inspired this song, you know who you are!
Bitch please.  You and Miley need to just go away.  Maybe just Taylor Swift because her whole schtick of being this innocent ho is tiring and uninteresting and you can just TELL she is the worst kind of bitch.  One of them needy ho's.  Them fake-humble bitches who walk around like they have a rainbow up their ass, but really they hate themselves and everyone.  They also look through their 6th grade diaries and write songs.

-Who is DJ Cassidy?  Was he on the Jersey shore?

-They showed Rita Ora and Iggy Azelia sitting next to each other, plotting on who's dick they had to suck to be like Taylor Swift.  They also made a pact to always go to the ladies room together as they were afraid of Rihanna and her girls taking their album advance money and kicking them in the vag's.

-Seriously, I would've  risked being touched on the vag by Riri and her girls just to sit with them and do that flawless hating they did.  FLAWLESS.  Except when JT came out and they...we ALL were singing...dancing...being as happy as they could muster up.

-JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE made the hour and a half that I did watch the show WORTH IT.  He didn't even perform ALL his songs and he just brought the house down.  THEN he performed with NSYNC...and I just felt young n' giddy!  I was elated.  I was breathing heavy.
It was just so great.

-.....then One Erection won for Song of The Summer.....they beat out 'Blurred Lines'.  For real.  That was when I turned.  I heard I missed Drake...Macklemore and Katy Perry....but there is not an ounce of a fuck that I give.

Overall...MTV is no longer relevant when it comes to music, talent, taste levels...anything.  It's just there.  That old ho in the club trying.  Wearing spandex and large hoop earrings hoping their AARP card can get them a drink discount.
My head hurt, I hated myself and I felt despair for humanity.  Mostly, I hate that I am from and live in BROOKLYN.  OMG, I wished beatings with 1 million Mandingo dicks upon all those who shouted out 'Brooklyn'!!  What a fuckin' joke.  I don't even know what this borough is any more, yeah there are still some areas unfazed by the LAME, but I just don't wanna claim Brooklyn anymore.  I hate myself like Kanye now.  It's so tough because Brooklyn is a part of who I am...but...I just...
I need some biscuits, a bottle of moscato and Drake so we can write my new album called 'Twisted Uterus'.  Something to help me deal with all this...
Fuck you MTV, Brooklyn, Macklemore's fugly face n' suit,...just everybody.  Except JT and Rihanna.

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