Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Art of Letting Go

With every new year comes a new lesson learned.  The last two years- especially for me (I feel)- have been a crash course in strength of character and letting go.  I am also growing more patient which has made me feel more centered and calm.
...this will be one of my rare blog entries where I get a little deep and share a lil piece of myself.  We all know how I am real private but like to blog...am just not the type of blog where I go into great detail about my bowel movements or how deep the last dude who penetrated me went- in other words, I share what I wanna and HOW I wanna.
Plus bowel movement talk, unless you're Dr. Oz, is just crass.  Double penetration, fisting, me mentioning wanting to sit on someones face- are just things that need to be discussed at times.

Though I pride myself on always being a 'non-surface' individual, I have my moments when I get caught up
in the wrong thing(s) and allow too much nonsense to seep in.  It's cool to have fun and be all self centered asshole, but you have to allow for more meaningful things.  Sometimes you are hit with such harsh realities that you HAVE to be more 'about' things than talking shit n' being frivolous with your time and people.  You have character building experiences...moments when you are tested- what I mean by tested, is whether you can move on.  Fight through it.  Learn something that you reflect on during a long stroll or while you're sipping a cocktail waiting for a friend at a bar.
When I was younger I dabbled with thoughts of suicide...like I had no idea how I would do 'it', but I just felt bleak.  Weak.  Felt like it would just make things easier.  I didn't like myself most of the time...I didn't like getting fucked over by people...I couldn't deal with mistakes I made.  Thankfully though, something-I think it was my family kept me from ever taking my strong emo realizations seriously.  I couldn't do that to my family.
Then eventually when I went through some REAL SHIT and was like: you know what LIFE, I got you.  It is empowering to really give ZERO fucks about trivial shit.  It is freeing.  Sure you stress a little when it matters, but your perspective is greater.  Perspective helps you to not be such a selfish fuck with people because you realize everyone has their path and goes through their REAL SHIT as well.
Keeping that in mind, it doesn't change the fact or hurt any less when good friends become great strangers.  When relationships change and you weren't given the stage directions.  You have no idea where you stand and don't know you're in the way...until you just realize you are and decidedly pull yourself out of the 'show'.  I have had a few friendships I cherished just disintegrated-you may be thinking: well you hating ass bitch, that's what you get.  BUT we all know that I am a delightful hating ass bitch...who knows to look at myself first, and I did.  Sure with a couple of them friendships it was me going through shit and not nurturing the friendships...or perhaps something I said...or whatever, but sometimes its just that people evolve and need to be around different people.  They need to do different things and that is okay.  It hurts.  It makes a person who rarely lets a person get too close reinforce my force fields, but I accept it.  I move on and I live in the present with the wonderful people who ARE around and want to be there.  People who have helped me through rough moments with a kind word, a joke or just by being there.
People who reflect my kindness and care, and prove that this hateful sometimes emo bitch is winning at something.

Never be afraid to let go of situations, of people, of things...because what you're holding on to can be so much better for you.

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