Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Recap of Breaking Dawn AKA Busted Bleeding Vag
Where to begin? Probably with my reasoning for seeing this feat of imagination and Mormon fuckery.
The answer is simple- I have read all of the books and have seen all of the movies up until now. Not because I am a Twi-hard, it is because the films (like the books) are ridiculously entertaining. The movies are made more entertaining by me and my peeps remarks while seeing the film- I know you're thinking 'well you're Black so OF COURSE you talk during the movie' and to that I say a festive: FUCK YOU!!
I have to say, if you haven't read the books: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE because the utter ridiculousness of it all will be unfathomable.
-The film begins with the usual Bella spouting poetry n' some shit- basically Stephanie Meyer trying seem like she has some kind credibility. DO NOT get me started on Meyer as a writer. It involves a lot of curse words and fists flailing.
So they're preparing for the nuptials of 18 year old Bella Swan and 100 something Edward cullen. All I know is that EVERYONE in the film got a fuckin' makeover. Their gear is tight. Hair is all swell. Even the makeup-except the vamps. This leads to my BIGGEST gripe- like how do people stand around these ill complexioned vampires with WEIRD eyes and NOT notice that they ARE VAMPIRES????
Then again I am watching a film about some vamps and werewolves...and demon babies!
-Edward and Bella get married. She was nervous because I mean...she's marrying a fucking vampire who won't even fingerbang her because of her 'virtue'??!! (MORMONS) This ain't TrueBlood, bitches.
Now this whole time Jacob has been a werewolf because he's pissed about Bella getting married- because of course every dude within a 2 mile radius enjoys her awkward stuttering dickiness.
Jacob shows up at the reception making Bella very pleased...then Jacob gets all up in her bizness and finds out she going to be slidin' down (and around) Edwards cold, hard Depression wang.
Jacobs angrily yells: "You're going to KILL HER" and I said so eloquently: "With his dick."
-HONEYMOON TIME! This is basically why anyone paid any money for this film. E&B hit up Brazil and go to their own private island-which is something I want. An island all to myself where I can writhe around nekked n' shit. It will be called the Isle of Cock.
Anyways, THEY BANG. The bed gets BROKE.DOWN. We saw no wang or vag- kinda like Immortals. I paid SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for some 3D COCKLESS film. Sure, Henry Cavill and Luke Evans are bangable-BUT COME ON!
....I did not expect French styled fornication in this film-and then of course because this is based on a book written talentless MORMON- Edward didn't wanna touch Bella again because she was bruised from their initial interspecies love. Them bruises just look like the spoils of war...or some goooooooooooooood deep dickin' which was exactly what Bella needed because she became slightly less annoying.
-Bella GETS PREGNANT after having sex twice and Edward was all like: fuck whatever is inside you. ABORTION!! (woah...MORMON??)
Bella is like: nah boo. I am dropping your seed.
Then they go back to Forks and then Jacob N' His Wolf Pack find out that Bella is having DemonChild 2011!!!
Jacob gets PISSED.
My thing is, when are we just gonna say Jacob is Bella's gay bestie (which every girl needs!). That dude has that look of cock love in his eyes.
...so the baby is KILLING Bella because it is DemonChild 2011!!! Then Bella drank blood and all was well. Yeah, she hasn't turned into a vamp...it's just what DemonChild 2011 WANTSSSSS!
-Now, I was worried about the whole birth scene because supposedly people have DIED watching it.
I didn't die, and BrooklynKat even said it was tastefully done. They put some type of cherry colored cottage cheese on the baby and then was just a lil blood around Bella covered vag area.
But OH NO, right after seeing her baby named-a girl- Renessme....Bella dies!! Edward pumps vampire venom (not with his cock)into her and bites the shit out of her.
Jacob freaks the fuck out and cries a lot. Then his Wolfpack finds out Bella is dead and DemonChild 2011 is ALIVE!
OHHH WAIT....I forgot a very important scene where I mouthed:this is the best movie ever!- so the wolves were in wolf form and talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS!!! It sounded like an episode of Voltron with WOLVES!!!
So there's a BIG wolf/vamp fight, but while this is going on Jacob is going to kill DemonChild 2011!! Then he looks into the babies eyes...which were oddly cg'd and kinda creepy and he see's her grow up and he's all wolfy and IN LOVE with her.
He also came in his pants because he was REALLY thinking of Edwards cold hard shaft nestling in his wolfy fur.
What is imprinting? It's when a wolf dude sees a chick and is intensely smitten. It is their soul mate.
Jacob stops the fight by telling all of them that he will eventually fuck DemonCH-Renessme so they needs to step off! The Wolf Pack does...and then we have to go back to caring about Bella becoming a vampire.
She opens her red new born vamp eyes...and the movies ENDS.
-As much as this film saga is the WORST THING EVER, it is highly entertaining and made better by perverse comments and truly suspending your taste levels. You should also never watch these movies hungry. BrooklynKat and I ate some great diner food pre-movie.
This was ONLY PART 1!!!!!!!!! Ah cannot wait for PART 2!!