Thursday, January 19, 2012

Conversations with Ice: Teabag




Since Ice T (the friend in my head)and Coco were in Hawaii he decided I should hang with Kanye West so that I wouldn't miss him too much. It's like comparing apples to a bag of dry yet sweaty dicks.
Thankfully it is time for them to do an exchange- yes, like a child or pet- Kanye is bringing me to the Russian Tea Room and Ice will meet us there and take me home or for a quick run through at Target.
Ice is running a little late, so I have to still chit chat with 'Ye....who has decided to only respond with: ball so hard
I don't think I need to explain how I feel about this.


Me: (while looking through a menu) Would now be considered 'high tea' time?


Kanye:
Ball so hard.

Me: What?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: You're really doing this?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: Okay. Fine. So what did you and Drake do to each other when you pulled off your thongs and kilts?

Kanye: (pauses) ....ball...so...hard.

Me: Nice. And what did you say while deep throating Jay's (Z's) balls in the studio that one night and you coughed a lil?

Kanye: (through gritted teeth) Ball so hard.

Me: Don't be mad at me you made the choice! [Ice T joins us]

Me: ICE! (I jump up and and we hug)

Ice T: T! Hey T. Hey 'Ye...

Me: You're gonna regret that...

Kanye: Ball so hard...

Ice T: (looks at me) What the fuck is going on here?

Me: 'Ye has chosen today to just respond with 'ball so hard'. He does this sometimes. Last week it was 'Imma let you finish...'. This is what you left me with! Next time leave me alone. ALONE!

Ice T: Calm down. (turns to Kanye) I am not a violent dude, but if you mention some balls in a conversation with me again...Imma hit you.


Kanye:
Y'all don't appreciate art. Y'all are real regular.

Me: Well if regular means not being a whiny asshole, then cheers to being regular! (Ice and I tap our teacups delicately)

Kanye: I just don't understand-two weeks and you didn't even ask if you could touch my dick.

Me: (I choke) Would rather ask you to design an outfit for me.

Ice T: You don't get what me and T have. It's not about touching pleasurable areas, it's about just chillin'. T, you will never have to worry about me leaving you with another bitch. I'm sorry.

Me: You better be. This shit was rough...let's go get some cheesecake or somethin'. (Ice and I leave Kanye sitting at the tearoom.)

Kanye: Y'all will be back. My dick will be touched.

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