Conversations With Ice: 50 Shades of Lame

My good friend (in my head), Ice T, is reading the much talked about book 50 Shades of Grey. Wait, let me set the scene- I walk into a steakhouse on Park Avenue to find Ice reading 50 Shades of Grey while sipping on a single malt whiskey.
It was fantastic.

Me: (my mouth is agape for a bit) Ice...

Ice T: T! Wassup? Have a seat...

Me: Um...what are you reading?

Ice T: Oh that fucking book everyone's talking about..

Me: Yes...I see...

Ice T: Imma get me a steak. Porter house. Get you something-have you read this?

 Me: I read the whole trilogy in one weekend.

Ice T: No wonder you been all hostile. This book makes you wanna do things- to me and Coco, this is a Dr. Seuss book.

Me: I bet. I just can't believe you're reading this-and sure it made me angst-y, but no more than usual.

 Ice T: You read all 3 of these books in one weekend. Either you need to get laid or the books double as a cock piece...

Me: Why can't you just call it a dildo?

 Ice T: Cuz cock piece sounds manlier.

Me: Did you read Twilight?

Ice T: Fuck no! Once I read the first chapter and that vampire dude didn't take that young, warm, girl and make her a vampire and then fuck her....I lost interest. 

 Me: It was more for women, we like that whole chaste shit sometimes...and then we like this. Tie-me-up-fuck-me-down books.

 Ice T: Complex sexy beasts you are...

Me: What about the Hunger Games?

Ice T: A book about some hungry children having to kill each other to eat? Shit, I lived that!

Me: Ugh, you're right Ice. Reading these sexy books made me realize that perhaps I do need someone...

Ice T: Oh you think! You just need to keep your mind right and and keep yourself open. Stop closing yourself off.

 Me: Preach.

 Ice T: Don't placate to me, ass. Hurry and eat your crab cake so I can finish this book!