Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Time I Went To See 'Evil Dead' and 'SpringBreakers' In The Same Week by Me

Spriiiinnnnng little bitch!- this is said with a mix of the James Franco character in SpringBreakers and the demon in Evil Dead.  Both voices I have been mimicking for the last few days because I am fun!

To say that I am affected by seeing these movies within such a short time of each- for even seeing SpringBreakers at all- is an understatement.  To go from wanting to see something so BAD and then wondering what other bad life choices I have made....
The consolations are that:
  1. Evil Dead was really good! 
  2.  I didn't have to pay to see Evil Dead because I am a Regal Cinemas VIP, yo!
  3.  I payed a reduced price for SpringBreakers.
  4.  Though I still paid too much for SpringBreakers, I got to see it with my friend Margo who cringed as much as I did.

I remember seeing the OG Evil Dead many moons ago when I was a youngin' living on the edge and into gory shit.  It was campy and fun- this new one was gory...and had some hipsters...and seemed to have a theme of 'women are evil' threading through it.  Maybe the OG one had that too and I was too young to notice things like that.
There was just this overall feeling of women are weak, are sexual objects, and are evil.  Will throw annoying n' dumb in there too.  This all made me uncomfortable, but I realized I was seeing a HORROR FILM and as along as it was a bunch of White people in the woods getting killed- because that's just what happens- then we were following the norm.
The movie made me jump and freaked me out a lil, so I was entertained n' happy.  Plus, there were the pretzel bites with cheese I ate.  Mmmmmm my favorite.
Lessons learned:
  • if a group of white people wanna do anything in the woods, you're going to be killed there. know that.
  • if you stumble upon a book with barbed wire on it, maybe you shouldn't open it
  • let's say you open the book...certainly don't read any names out loud that could summon a demon 
  • if you're with someone and they say they've been seeing weird things and they wanna go home:TAKE THEM HOME
  • if someone in your crew gets possessed by a demon, stop going into places alone or near them
  • learn how to use a chainsaw
The lead actress in this movie plays Tessa on one of my favorite shows 'Suburgatory'.  I like her face and she is a GOOD actress- didn't even hate her as a demon.  She was actually my favorite character in the movie.
...unlike SpringBreakers where I hated EVERYONE.  Like after the first 20mins if everyone was killed, I would've been good with that.

I went into SpringBreakers thinking it was going to be a a movie about some girls getting caught up in some shit during spring break.  There I was with my pretzel bites (twice in one week, eeek) and m'girl Margo.  We were into it.  Then the movie happened and we cringed all the way through it.
Like I see how it was trying to be edgy and perhaps the movie 'Kids' at the beach, but it wasn't.  It was just...filled with jiggling tits and characters you HATED.  I hated EVERYONE.  Even James Franco- who was great-but ugh.  Plus he didn't show his penis!!!
Selena Homez and Vanessa Sludgins were good...but...I just...b;ah!
Then Gucci Mane was in the movie acting poorly and adding insult to injury.  It was all just so unbelievably bad...and then the Britney Spears moments....I laughed to keep from crying.  There I was eating pretzel bites for dinner, adding all these unwanted calories that I was going to top off with a brownie sundae when I could've been eating some quinoa or something.  But NOOOOOOOOOOO, I made my choice to see this masterpiece of hard shit turds and period farts.  I made my choice.

I am going to cap off this week of movies by seeing Jurassic Park 3D which I am EXTREMELY excited about.  This should ease the pain of SpringBreakers.  Plus, DINOSAURS!
I will also need to do like 3 days next week in the gym to work off my anger and my pretzel bites.  *le sigh*

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