Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Time I Went To See Beastly




So yeah, Brooklyn Kat and I decided to go see the movie Beastly. I know, I know we were looking to WASTE 13bucks...also nothing comforts a hormonal woman like a horrible script, predictable plot and Mary -Kate Olsen's duck face.
I have to say I was unaware that MK was even IN the film till she appeared on camera. Then my first thought was if they put heels on a tampon with ridiculous eye makeup- that would probably act better than she did.
As much as I hated on her skillz, in the end, she came through and proved to be the best part about the movie.
Another great part had NOTHING to do with the movie. It was when I went to the concession stand for dinner AKA movie eats which consisted of: pretzel bites with cheese and Nestle Crunch Dibs. Dinner of champions!!
The 2 concession workers reminded me of Cologino (character in A Bronx Tale AKA one of my most favorite movies ever) and Carlton Banks (Fresh Prince of Bel Air). Carlton was new and nervous. Cologino was seasoned and showing Carlton the ropes. Cologino was the one that jokingly told me they were out of pretzel bites. I believe I scared him with my rage causing him to tell me to calm down and that it was a joke. He then offered me some Dibs. I apologized and took them and tried to explain that it wasn't him or his BAD joke, that it was totally me being an asshat. He liked that I apologized. Then Carlton apologized for being seemingly retarded- seemed he was messing up. I told him not to be too hard on himself and that most people don't apologize for that. Cologino got my subtle joke and told me he liked me. Asked if I wanted anything else- with a wink. WOW- I still gots it.
...but I didn't have 50bucks (movie prices) to spend and just took my Dibs and pretzels. Cologino asked again..with a more earnest wink- remember I have NO IDEA when the cock is being put on the menu- and I got all bashful (I know) and went into the movie theater.
See, I talk soooooooooooooooooo much shit and when it comes around to bite me in the ass...I bitch.up. *sigh*
Anywho, so the movie. Basically it was a longer episode of Gossip Girl. It had nothing that held me- I mean Vanessa Hudgens annoys me AND all I could think about when I saw her face were her nude pics. The lead guy...he wasn't hot so...yeah. Oh, but Neil Patrick Harris was in it and I LOVE HIM...basically NPH needed a paycheck....and he was Barney (How I Met Your Mother), but blind.
Um...so yeah this film was about how being superficial is wrong and not being superficial is right. Also, if they say someone is a witch (MK Olsen) then BELIEVE THEM!!!
Bored, I started thinking about the Usher sex tape. Not too much because I didn't want to throw up while sewing up my vagina using butchers twine and a rusty needle.
Then something happened that tugged at my heart strings- I am a SAP! After punking out, I comfort myself with Dibs.
Then the movie ends and I am like- really...that was supposed to be New York City?!
Oh, but MK shows up in the movie at the end with a top hat-she won and made the movie for me!

If you want to contemplate sex tapes you have NO INTEREST in seeing, then go see Beastly!

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