Sunday, May 15, 2011

On Paper



My friend Margo and I have decided that on paper Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino aka the black dude on Community- is my soul mate.
He is witty, I am witty. He rhymes, I rhyme. He has alter egos, I have alter egos. He has hipster appeal and I have gold lame` boat shoes.
We seem like quite the pair...but in reality it just wouldn't work. Not just because I think being the blipster (black hipster) that he is, he would want an Asian or a white girl AND though I am cool...I am not THAT cool.
...so this is what would happen if we were matched on EHarmony or something-because we would be matched because we seem PERFECTO for each other. We would meet up for a date, most likely in the late afternoon because like me he isn't an early riser. We also want to have enough time to meet up with people we actually like in case we hate each other. We would decide to meet in Union Square- that way we'd have options. He'd suggest one of the Starbucks and because we both are sort of kind hearted jerks, he'd pick one and just be there...and if I chose the wrong one I'd have to buy us frapps. Of course I chose the one next to the McDonalds because it's closest to the GStar and the Duane Reade where I imagine he'd calm himself by looking at clothing the gay mafia wears or by hanging in the snack section at DR wondering just how tasty those lil cinnamon buns are.
Anywho this is what happens (in my head) when on paper meets reality:

Donald: Wow, how'd you choose the right Starbucks- oh wait, the GStar gave it away.
Me: That and there are a lot more laptops in here, it's blogger friendly.
Donald: (slides his laptop into a Louis Vuitton case)Yeah. So what kind of frapp would you like?
Me: Think I'm going to get a macchiato...
Donald:...and I'm just going to get a regular coffee. Why did we even say we were gonna get frapps?
Me: Because...
Donald: Yep...

We get our drinks and decide to walk about.

Donald: So you're a writer?
Me: I'd like to think so...
Donald: It's not official till you're sitting in a Starbucks with a laptop. Raekwon is doing a show in an abandoned bodega tonight. They're serving egg sandwiches...wanna go?
Me: That sounds amazing...but I'd rather chance bedbugs at a movie theater in Times Square.
Donald: Wow. You're wearing boat shoes...so I just assumed..
Me: They're cute shoes, I am not THAT girl though. I am not mixed either.
Donald: You're not?!
Me: Nope.
Donald: Oh.
Me: So I'm gonna meet my friend Margo at Target where I shall buy something reasonably priced and then we'll hit up an Applebees bar to catch a sports game. Enjoy Raekwon...

The End.

See that's how it would go. We'd have a sort of chemistry, but it wouldn't be the type that would lead to bang-outs and rap songs about how I broke his heart. Aww. Reality is harsh sometimes.

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