Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Place Where I Work: I Want One


Poor, poor Blair has/had a stalker- or as I like to call him Mr. Crazy In Love…but mostly I call him Kells because he looks like R.Kelly. Kells is our flower delivery man- we get deliveries every Monday.
Blair says she was too friendly and should’ve taken the seminar B and I gave on how to be nice...enough. The kinda nice where you’re pleasant, but will still cut a bitch.
Kells saw the purity n' good cheer in Blair’s baby blues and was smitten! He gave her 12 long stem roses on Valentines Day along with his number.
Blair never called him. She thanked him, was flattered (more creeped out though) and threw away the card with his number on it.
Since then, Kells has called our boss several times looking for Blair-he wants to bring her more flowers. This sounds all romantic, but remember Kells is crazy, so this means he wants to mutilate her slowly- I don’t think Kells is a skin stealer. I just think he cuts shit…or chicks.
He may also enjoy a surprise skeeting-just make mess on Blair’s good work clothes.

After his 3rd or 4th call, our boss alerted building security and B n’ I went into full Law and Order: SVU mode!
She was Stabler and I was Benson. B is Stabler because you never know. One moment she is a fountain of peace and the next she tearing out throats with her bare hands!! I am Benson because I am cool under pressure, plus I let being a good cop outweigh my romantic life....hmmm.
So ‘Stabler’ and I started calling around making sure someone was with Blair-keeping her protected. Blair, not trusting our amazing cop instincts/skills, said that if she disappeared or anything, that she liked us…or thinks we’re great or something-basically she was saying 'goodbye'.
All that protection-getting, yelling at various walls/people, worrying and punching the air, made ‘Stabler’ and I hungry so we went to GoodBurger to enjoy remixed pop songs and good meat. Now, we’ve always said that skin stealers/killers/molesters and the like all enjoy GoodBurger. There’s them…and then there’s us. Our ‘them vs. us’ theory was proven when Kells strolled into GoodBurger! Fries were dropped; turkey burger meat fell on my lap as I quickly called Blair to let her know Kells was in the area. ‘Stabler’ was tense and ready for some skull crackin’. Thankfully Kells stayed in his lane and we finished our lunch...keeping our ‘cop eyes’ on him the whole time.
Because we are such amazing ‘cops’ no harm was done to Blair and Kells has been rerouted-awww. (Yay! For potential new stalker, though)
Since operation ‘Keep Blair Alive and Un-Skeeted On’ is over, I am on a new mission. Mission: Procure Myself A Romantic Stalker!!
Who doesn’t like some flowers with a lil insanity? A lil stuffed bear covered with dried semen??
That is part of being a professional woman! Office stalkers make the day go by faster-because you’re walking faster because you are being followed (around the office or at lunch time)…and you don’t have to do much work because you’re on the phone with building security most of the day. All good things.
I am taking cues from Blair and being friendlier. Perky even. Well, I can’t even BEGIN being perky. Have never been perky. I think it involves smiling a lot and not saying ‘fuck’ every 10 minutes. Sadly, I am not known for smiling and I LOVE saying the word ‘fuck’ in various ways and for various reasons.
So, I am going to use a cheerier demeanor, bright colors, almost slutty work gear and chatting up any dude within a 4 mile radius. I think that by doing these things, I’ll have a stalker by Good Friday!

The above pic is just an example of what I’m looking for. You see, I am NOT shallow…I just want to be stalked at work!

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