Monday, December 6, 2010

Conversations with Ice: New Acquaintances

My good ‘friend’ Ice T has invited me to his cabin near Mount Airy Lodge for a lil winter retreat. He has a car pick me up to meet he and Coco at their cabin. When I go to step into the Black Escalade (tan interior), I see Kanye West!

Me: Kanye?! (I hop into the Escalade and slam the door shut behind me)

Kanye: It's me, the finest. (he holds out a hand, there is a platinum cuff around his wrist with an emerald and ruby misteltoe embellishment, he notices me noticing his cuff) Yeah, I do this- (places the cuffed hand on his tummy) and say: kiss below the misteltoe, boo. (he smiles)

Me: (stare at him till the smile disappears) Excuse me a minute- (take out cell phone and dial Ice T) Hey...

Ice T: Hey, are you in the ride?

Me: Yep.

Ice T: Okay. Well see you soon. Coco is making egg nog martini's-

Me: Why is mutha fuckin' Kanye West here?

Kanye: You know I'm sitting right here, right?

Ice T: He's a new friend of mine and I figured you guys should be friends too.

Me: Why?!

Ice T: T, you know how it is with people-most of them aren't worth the tip of a Timb boot to the throat. Not even worth a Dixie cup of dicks- but there are some who are assholes, pure bred ones, who are worth the fight.

Me: The fight?

Ice T: The fight for balance. Be that asshole, but also be that decent person that's there waiting to shine-

Me: What. The. Fuck?

Ice T: Maybe it's the holidays or these Henny n' cokes I've been drinkin', but I think you and Kanye could have something beautiful-I'm not saying fuck that dude because y'all are too crazy to be going on backshot adventures, but I do think you can help him and he you.

Me: If he makes it to the lodge alive-then we'll see.

Kanye: (mumbling to himself) Oh now she's a gangsta. A gangsta in Emu's, not even Uggs-

Ice T: See you soon, Sweet T- don't hurt him, but if you do...break him off something proper. (he chuckles and hangs up)

Me: (hang up, and look at Kanye) So...

Kanye: So, Ice has nothing but good things to say about you...

Me: (silent a bit) Well I'm a nice person.

Kanye: We'll see.

Me: Imma be honest here Kanye, I mostly don't like you. I think you're insane but sometimes I like your brand of insanity. Sometimes. I also like that you dress like an androgynous White woman.

Kanye: I respect your honesty. I don't wanna fuck you or anything, but I can respect you.

Me: Oh Kanye, the fact that you wouldn't fuck me makes me soooo happy. Let's shake on it- (hold out hand, he see's my tiger ring)

(he takes my hand and kisses my ring, he smiles) Just because I wouldn't fuck you, doesn't mean you don't wanna fuck me. (I let go of his hand)

To Be continued....

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