Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Rundown: The Package




We all know the Oscars 2011 were a snoozefest- though 'future academy award winning peeps' AKA mere actors, are all like: it's the OSCARS!!!! Meaning, that it's the.best.thing.ever and can do no wrong...and if you're British, then yes, it was AMAZING.
If you're like me, a cool suave American woman who's in it for her loins, then you were only kept awake by the promise of something to eat and a chance to hate- meaning you were at an Oscar Party eating and talking shit.

So, I will not bore you with the same shit everyone's been saying about the Oscars: James Franco and Anne Hathaway could've been replaced by Oprah's titties in that dress for 2 hours and I would've been fine, the Bob Hope 'death hologram' they dug Billy Crystal out of his condo in Florida for was creepy, there were hardly any Black people thanks to Monique and Gaboray Sidibe's (sp) big asses last year-just too much Black for the masses, if Gwyneth Paltrow is onstage singing ONE MORE FUCKING TIME imma piss all over some macro-biotic greens and throw them at people, really thought I was going to witness Kirk Douglass die onstage and then have night mares FOR LIFE, etc.
I really lost all interest in the show....in the hating (somewhat), after seeing James Franco in that (tedious, predictable) opening in that Black Swan number...wearing the lycra one piece??!!!
The cock is a helluva drug- I mean thing. Pre seeing that, I was all: fuck James Franco, no really, I would fuck him but I wanna punch him in the face.
THEN I saw him in that tight onsie and was like: my word! *swoon*
I shall no longer hate on him...even if he smoked a ton of weed before the show and tried n' failed at hipster humor. Leave the hipster humor in that dive bar in Bed-Stuy, when you're at the Oscars you play the FUCKIN' game! You act like you wanna be there and you just walk around with lycra one piece so that we can all see the borders and outlines of your cock.
Totally forgot about Jake Gyllenfuck...but I did want Justin Timberlake to give me a 'pearl necklace'. Also, Javier Bardem can hire me as a babysitter-just wanna watch the man shower, am not trying to break up a happy home!

Anyways, the Oscars 2011 were balls-literally, James Franco's.
James, I hear you're back in NYC...holla.:)

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