Monday, January 11, 2010

‘Bedrock’ as Avatar: My Summary of Avatar

PLEASE NOTE: This will not blow your mind or give some new perspective on this overly hyped White mans fantasy film. This is just me doing how I do. If you plan on seeing this movie, you can still read this-there are no spoilers because this shit has been done before. You will not be surprised. If you are, then you probably won’t be reading this anyway because you cannot read. In no ways do I mean to condescend, but if you are shocked by anything in this movie then you probably believe in Santa or that THOSE are real.ALSO NOTE: My brief comparison to the Young Money song ‘Bedrock’ is brilliant and came to me as I was snuggled under my covers on a Saturday night.

On Friday it was decided that we would eat good American meat (overpriced and oversized and friggin’ delicious) and then head to see Avatar in IMAX 3-D- America, Fuck Yeah!!
I’ve read a great amount of write-up’s about this movie, listened in on debates-but either way I wasn’t going into this all deep. First off, it’s a movie. Second, it’s a movie I would be watching with 3D shades that made me look like a Willy B resident. Thirdly, it’s hard to be all self righteous after drinking Starbucks, eating a 12 dollar burger and watching the 20 dollar flick on an IMAX screen!!
For Katherine, going in with a full belly wasn’t a good idea, and made her quite queasy with all those 3D IMAX effects-so she saw about 8 dollars worth of the movie.
So the movie begins with the Earth being fucked. This means man had to explore other planets. Done.
By exploring they mean depleting the land of resources and killing the Native peeps (in this case the Navi peeps). The usual. Exploring is done by the military and scientists-to balance out the guns n’ shit. The ‘money’ behind this exploration was this company run by Giovanni Ribisi (wow, long time no see, boo) who basically phoned this role in (paycheck, bitch) and just watched eps of Entourage. He was just like ‘Ari Gold as head honcho’. Done.
Sigourney Weaver played the lead scientist. Wilson, Katherine and I were amazed at how gracefully she’s aged. Meaning, no ‘tox. I mean she is like a trillion years old (in Hollywood years) and she hasn’t gone under the knife! Well, it doesn’t look that way at least. She was cool…though I kept waiting for an Alien to explode from her stomach.
The lead dude, a Marine named Jake Sully, don’t know the actors name, but I was told he was in Terminator Salvation- no one saw that ish, so it’s understandable that I didn’t know who he was. I was also ashamed that even though I wanted to stab him in the heart and say no prayer to the Gods (it’s a movie thing- or basically what every ‘savage’ group of people do with animals)- I still kinda wanted to bounce on it. That was until I saw his (CG under enhanced) legs (he was wheelchair bound). Not sexy at all.
Then there was the Whitest White Man On Earth who played the army sergeant or colonel or something. He was typical.
You know what it is, the scientist are all like- hey, the Navi of this land are people too, let’s work with them, teach them our civilized ways, lube them up and THEN fuck them up. The army is all like-no lube bitches. We’re going in!
As a last resort the scientists go in as avatars- oh yeah, the Marine dude had a twin bro who was a scientist, but he died…so Young Sully went in his place. Something about DNA. Yeah.
Blah, blah…Marine dude as avatar goes in and at first is a typical asshole, but then thanks to the Native nani he grows a soul and is like the best Navi that ever did it!
Young Sully pretty much rolled up on Natirikah and was like- call me Mr. Flintstone;I can make your bed rock. Natirkah was all like-oh yeah, lemme put this pussy on your sideburns.
Then shit exploded and because Young Sully bitched up this pretty colored flying dragon, he became the best that ever did it. Even better than the Native warrior leader-Tupac (something with a T). Young Sully was good at everything cuz Natirikah was Tupac’s girl!!!! Young Sully was all like- that was your girl, I thought I recognized her! Then Tupac died n’ shit.
Lot’s of people died. Including Michelle Rodriguez who was an army pilot, but the whole time I was thinking-isn’t she supposed to be in jail???
So yeah, peeps died and the Navi win and Ari Gold has to go back to Earth…OH and the Whitest Man On Earth gets capped by Natirikah.

Overall, I thought the writing was poor and the plot predictable. Visually the film was stunning. Acting was bleah. Music…I guess it was aight. I mean there were drums and that appealed to my Native roots.
Will I buy this movie when it comes out on DVD? Nah. James Cameron’s pockets are lined enough. And even though I promised myself not to get in too deep with this. I got teary eyed at a few scenes- like when peeps were getting bombed and there were babies crying. I also got a little angry and vowed to not participate in my annual White Boy Summers for about 2 years- they can’t have all the Native nani all the time. Hopefully pulling mine out of the game will prove a point!

Anywho, I still don’t know if I like this film. Hmmmm….

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