Thursday, January 21, 2010

Why I Do IT.


It makes me uncomfortable to tell people I blog.
Of course I want people to read and be entertained, but this whole bloggin’ thing is kind of ridiculous. 9 times out 10 you have some schmuck talking about rain splattering on cafĂ© windows or how areola’s taste like pepperoni. Shit a lot of people don’t care about!
I get uncomfortable because I don’t want to be one of them schmucks. I know no one cares-I’ll live, but I just enjoy writing …and if I didn’t write down a lot of the things that happen to me I wouldn’t believe them either. My homie DoubleDeuce takes pictures to remember and I write to never forget. Plus I think I have some good stories to tell.

For instance, last week B and I were on our home. We like to cut through Rockefeller Center-especially since all the tourists have gone and we can walk without bumping into scrotums and stepping on children.
We are also gluttons for punishment, and wanted to check in on John Mayer AKA the Michael Buble` Murderer. As we passed Godiva we see John Mayer in a hideous sweater vest stop mid-sentence to watch us walk by. There was a mix of hate, murder, chocolate and rage in his eyes. B and I ran, and laughed heartily. As we stopped to collect ourselves this elfin woman jumps out of a Fox5 News van. B looks alarmed, but I recognized her from Good Day New York.

Me: Hey you’re on Good Day New York!
Good Day Elf: (giggles) Yes, I am. You ladies look cheerful!
B: Well, we just got off work.
GDE: Ah yes. Would you guys like to talk about the whole Conan/Leno/NBC situation?

Now, this was near the beginning of the hot mess that was going on with the Tonight Show. B was a fountain of knowledge because she is knowledgable and I, being a true Gemini, skim through the stories gaining very little knowledge.
The camera comes on and the Good Day Elf asks B about the situation. B is all smart n’ poised. Cheekbones catching light. Then it is my turn.


GDE: What do you think about the Conan O’Brien situation?
Me: Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Yes. I say ‘boo’ for about 2 minutes.]

GDE: How do you think Johnny Carson would feel about this situation with the Tonight Show?
Me: I think Johnny Carson is rolling over in his grave and as he does this, he hits Ed McMahon and Ed McMahon is like: oooohhhh nooooooo (that would be me doing my made for TV Ed McMahon impersonation)

B looks at me and is like: WTF??? She is wondering when I came up with this new impersonation. I explain that something about the lights, the camera…the action. The Good Day Elf tells us we should have our own TV show because we are hilarious! We agree and ask her to put in a good word for us.
We then continue on our journey home agreeing that B would definitely be on TV that night.
Then we learned of the earthquake in Haiti and felt like jackasses because the only reason we were watching the news was to see our luscious mugs.
*sigh*
They wind up showing both B and I. B saying something really smart and appropriate. Then they show me and my Ed McMahon impersonation. It was hilarious, and my skin was glorious, but of course…that is what they show of me.

The next day I roll into work, and just as I’m about to tell a coworker what happened, this random chick walks by my desk and does a double-take. She asks if I was on the news. I say yes. She tells me I am a natural!
The day continued with random peeps calling me or family members to say they saw me on the news and that it was hilarious! At least peeps could chuckle a little during this disheartening situation in Haiti.

So, I blog for the love (giving and receiving), for the possible TV appearances and because I am one of those rare people that catches a dude passing by at work whistling John Mayer’s ‘Daughters’ song (the WHOLE song and I only know this because I went through a Mayer phase-it lasted a few months) and he catches me trying not to laugh because it was totally creepy. He starts whistling louder and then we laugh- I still wouldn’t leave any child of mine alone with him though.

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