Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 4


The Story of We
Episode4: We Still Can’t Stop, We Still Won’t Stop PT II
Screenplay by Honey T
11/6/07





Setting: In NYC, of course, the story takes place at The Gap, in an apartment, in a Starbucks, at a bowling alley, on a music video set, at St. Vincents Hospital, at the Nyurican Cafe, and at Hooters. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Starring:
Taylor Greene- 20’s, witty and aloof
Britain Sawyer- 20’s, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20’s, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20’s, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone- 20’s, hater, mom
Kurt Sandleback- 20’s, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon- 20’s, artist, rapper, babysitter
Featuring:
Spearchuck Openhide- ageless, doctor, playboy
Santo Domingo- 20’s, Latin heart throb, assassin
Darwin Jeffries- 20’s, choreographer, hippy, neo-souler
Fifty Cent- as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman- as himself
Mos Def- as himself
Kid Rock- as himself
AND
Steve Carell as Mr. Starbucks


Scene 1: Kurt is still choking Acorn. Taylor and Britain are trying to pull him off. Josephina is rooting them all on. Santo Domingo is standing outside watching all of the action. Spearchuck walks up to him, peers inside the Starbucks then pushes Santo with all his little might.

Spearchuck:
What are they doing ALIVE? I told you I wanted all of them dead. ALL OF THEM.

Santo:
Never push me.

Spearchuck:
(a little frightened, but more angry)
Just tell me why are they still alive…

Santo:
None of them are worthy of killing. The one I did kill was worth it.

Spearchuck:
(looks back inside the Starbucks)
Look at them…buffoons. (sighs heavily) I paid you good money.

Santo:
(hands him a wad of cash)
There it is. All of it.

As Spearchuck contemplates stepping inside the Starbucks , Kurt is still choking Acorn.

Taylor:

It's not worth it man!

Britain:
If you kill him you’ll never find out who’s the baby’s daddy!

Josephina:
I think he’s turning blue- hey! (furrows her brow and walks towards the Starbucks entrance where Spearchuck and Santo are standing) You’re late Spearchuck! The napkins aren’t gonna stuff themselves, ya know! (Kurt stops choking Acorn, Acorn is gasping for breath)

Kurt:
Yeah quit standing there with your Latin lover and get in here n’ work. You saw what I did to this mutha fucka (points to a still gasping Acorn) and I LIKE him! (Santo clenches his fists, Spearchuck hangs his head and walks towards the back of the Starbucks, Kurt then looks at Santo) Who the fuck are you?

Santo:
(reaches for his silencer n’ gun, but then catches eyes with Britain) I am no one. (he leaves)

Kurt:
Weirdo. (turns his attention back to Acorn, but Acorn has ducked out of a side exit) Damn!

Taylor:
Dude, its cool. Acorn will tell you, he just had to feel important for a lil while.

Kurt:
Feel important?! This is bullshit! (he hits a few bags of coffee off a shelf then walks to his back office)


Britain:

Man, Kurt is stressed. Never seen him get violent before.


Taylor:

I have. It was just as bad.

Josephina:

What happened?

Taylor:

One time I played this practical joke on him and he punched a whole in the wall…and cried so violently he busted a blood vessel in his eye.

Britain:
Woah.

Josephina:

Kurt is a sensitive thug.

Customer:
Thank goodness you guys are back! Can I have a 3 pump mocha expresso with organic milk.

Josephina:

(angrily squints) Got it. (goes behind the counter to make the drink)

Britain:
Acorn better spill the beans soon, or next time I’ll let Kurt choke him to death.

Taylor:
You and me both.


Later that evening, Taylor decides to meet up with Lorna and Darwin, unfortunately it's at the Nyurican Café` again. Taylor joins Lorna at a table, Darwin is at the bar getting them drinks. Mos Def is mingling in the crowd then sees Taylor and strolls over to the table.


Mos Def:
Is that a conga drum in your pocket or are you happy to see me? (leans on Taylors chair, she shifts with disgust)

Taylor:
You would be looking for a dick in my pants-

Darwin:
(is holding a cup of tea, a beer and a bottle of water)
Mos wassup?! (hands Lorna the beer and Taylor the water)

Taylor:

What the fuck is this? (holds up bottle of water)

Darwin:
Uh…water.

Mos Def:

My man, she is used to getting that in a bowl.

Taylor:

Choke on some ganja-skeet Mos Def!

Lorna:
Well my beer is delicious. Have been trying to go lighter than my usual Long Island Iced teas and whiskey shots.

Darwin:

I just hate how you get when you drink too much, you’re already a fiery bird-

Taylor:

Well I hate you when I’m sober so I guess we have a quagmire here-

Mos Def:

Darwin, my man, you’re hitting this? (points to Taylor)

Darwin:
More like a ceremonious pounding…repeatedly. (he smiles and nudges Taylor, they both chuckle)

Mos Def:
(dry heaves)
Oh man. You Euro’s have no shame. I’ve gotta go introduce some acts. (walks towards the stage)

Taylor:
(is seething, she stands and starts walking towards the stage getting there the same time as Mos Def, she ‘body checks’ him and he falls onto the stage moaning. Taylor taps the mic and clears her throat) Hello…hello (people in the audience say ‘hello’ back to her) I have a lil poem for you guys, well not a poem more like a anecdote about everyone’s dear friend Mos Def. (Mos tries to grab for Taylor but cannot move from the floor, Taylor then kicks him and he moans more) About five years ago I ran into Mos Def at a Backstreet Boys concert in Orlando, Florida. I was working the concession stand and he was there to see the show. Of course he tried to kick it to me because well…(points to her attributes…face, tits, hips, etc. some hoots are heard) because of his persistence I went to a Paradise Island Kahunaville with Mos. We had mai tai’s and boneless buffalo chicken wings. I then went back to Mos’s hotel room because I was easier back then. We then proceeded with the get-down. The only significant thing about that night was that he found a condom in his size…I think they read ‘elf-size’ (a few chuckles are heard). The other thing…it was the worst 50 seconds of sex EVER. I told Mos that. I said that sitting on a hot cactus would’ve been more enjoyable. He then cried. And cried. He said this had never happened before and that my cooch was like nothing he had ever encountered. I then asked if he was a virgin…and he cried some more. I told Mos to give me all the money out of his wallet for my troubles…and because it was late had him book me a hotel room for the night. Ever since then he has hated me and I have hated him. He took it too far when he mocked me in front of my current bed buddy. My current bed buddy…who just fingering me is more pleasurable than-

Mos Def:

(snatches the mic away)
Okay, okay! I’m sorry. (Taylor smirks and walks back towards her table)

Darwin:
Was any of that true?

Taylor:
Nope, I would NEVER fuck Mos Def…willingly.

Lorna:
Well, brava. Reminds of when I hung out with Jon Bon Jovi and Basquiat. We would sit in the Wendy’s in SoHo…(looks at Darwin) New York…and over frostie’s we would play murder, marry, fuck. I always killed them.

Darwin:

(looks at Lorna a long while, then looks back at Taylor) Well I thought you were mean…

Taylor:
(stands)
Listen, call me when you’re less Lifetime and more Spice channel. I’m out. (leaves the café`)

Lorna:

(yells behind her)
Don’t forget Marilyn’s funeral and dinner-memoriam tomorrow!


Scene 2: We see a sign that reads Hooters, we then go inside the eatery. There is a large glamour shot-esque picture of Marilyn. Kurt, Britain, Taylor, Josephina, Fifty Cent, Darwin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Mr. Starbucks are all together in a group. Lorna is shuffling through index cards behind a podium. Acorn walks in carrying Marilyn’s kid. There are whispers and Kurt gives him an icy glare. Santo Domingo lurks in the shadows watching them all.

Kurt:
I can’t believe he showed up.

Britain:

Just stay calm, do it for the boy.

Kurt:
(the boy reaches out for Kurt, Kurt swats his lil arms away)
Fuck the boy…he ain’t mine.

Taylor:
(looks at Phillip Seymour Hoffman)
Forget about the movie with Ben Stiller. ‘Talented Mr. Ripley”! You were better than Matt Damon in a green speedo!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Thanks. (turns to Britain) If you value me in your life, you’ll keep these people away from me. Especially the tall guy who thinks I’m John Goodman. I will fuck him up.

Britain:

Okay, okay Phillip Seymour Hoffman. They are my peeps though and mean no harm. Let’s go get some wings. (they walk over to a side table with a large platter of wings in the center) Thanks again for coming here and supporting me.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
I hated that greasy cunt Marilyn, but I do love Hooters wings…and yes supporting you.

Kurt:
(walks over to them holding a large mug of beer)
Hey this is where the medium wings dwell. (starts putting wings onto his plate) So, when you had to kiss Roseanne…like how did you do that?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
I thought about kissing your dad.

Britain:
(grabs Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s arm) Let’s go to the mild wing table. These are too spicy for me. (they walk towards another empty table)

Taylor:
(looks at her watch, then notices Darwin looking nervous)
What’s wrong with you?

Darwin:

Lorna asked me to recite some poetry. I just hope it goes over well with the crowd. I didn’t know Marilyn too well.

Taylor:
Just think of the town whore…then if the town whore gave your dad AIDS. You’d hate her right? Use that.

Darwin:
You are truly a wanker.

Taylor:

I’m going to get some wings. (goes over to a table with Josephina and Fifty Cent)

Josephina:

I hope Lorna gets started soon, this is usually the night we count stacks of money.

Fifty Cent:

That shit takes hours, since we stop and then fuck on the stacks.

Taylor:

(drops a wing back down on a platter)
Suddenly I don’t want wings.

Josephina:
I’m surprised Lorna is even doing this.

Taylor:
What?! Lorna loves death. She was goth in college.

Fifty Cent:
She drank blood n’ shit?

Taylor:
Maybe…all I know is L didn’t give a fuck about Marilyn, but the call of the dark side was always something she couldn’t ignore.

Mr. Starbucks:
(stands beside Lorna and tries to peek at her index cards)
Since when have you ever needed index cards?

Lorna:
(shivers just standing near Mr. Starbucks)
I get weird in front of crowds-

Mr. Starbucks:

(stands closer to her and caresses her cheek)
Act like its just you and me. Naked. In my penthouse Jacuzzi eating toasted marshmallows and sipping Courvosieur.

Lorna:
(trembles)
Okay. I can do it.

Mr. Starbucks:
I know you can. (stands so close they almost kiss, they are interrupted by Acorn clearing his throat at the mic on the podium)


Acorn:

If you could gather around and not make a sound, we can get this memorial off the ground.

Lorna:
(taps Acorn on the shoulder)
I am running this thing. I say when we get anything off the ground. Cocktail hour is still for another five minutes, go eat some wings.

Acorn:
(shrugs and walks towards a table)
I’m so sad, sad and feel so bad, bad. When this is all over I’ll be so glad, glad.

Kurt:
(steps in front of Acorn)
You’ll feel even worse when I kill you. Tell me who the father is-

Kid Rock:
(enters the Hooters)
My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID Rock. (some of this entourage enters, they follow him to an empty table, suddenly 3 Hooters waitresses are sitting on Kid Rocks lap)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(leans close to Britain)
Not only am I nauseous, but now I am going to get an STD?!

Britain:
I can’t believe he’s here…why is he here?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

As much as I want to throw up and then leave…I just can’t move-

Kurt:
(notices Acorn looking a tad uncomfortable, then looks at Kid Rock, who is eating wings.)
No…no way.

Acorn:
Marilyn was a ho fo’ sho, and followed Mr. Rock on his world tour.

Kurt:
No, no way not fuckin’ Heath Ledger!

Britain:
Uh Kurt…its Kid Rock….

Kurt:
Um no! One of my favorite films is ’10 Things I Hate About You’! I love Julia Stiles and Shakespeare-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

I think the only thing less smart than you is Paris Hilton’s nipple. (points to Kid Rock) He just fuckin’ said his name: Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiid Rock-

Kurt:
Simmer down Mr. Goodman- (Phillip Seymour Hoffman almost punches him, but Britain holds him back, Kurt is busy looking at Kid Rock)

Taylor:
Dude, its him.

Fifty Cent:
Yeah it is, sat next to him at the MTV Awards-

Josephina:
So that means you were close to that cunt rag Pam Anderson!

Fifty Cent:

Babe, you know she’s not my type-

Kurt:
(walks over to Kid Rock) Well if the kids father is Kid Rock then that’s cool as hell! (goes to give Kid Rock a soul brotha hand shake)

Kid Rock:
(accepts the shake)
Wassup bro?

Lorna:

(taps the mic three times) Everyone. Kurt, before you tell Kid Rock all about his son, I’d like to get started with the service-

Kid Rock:
Woah bro- did that Chinese chick just say I have a kid and you know about it?

Kurt:
Yeah man. Marilyn (points to large glossy photo) told me I was the father, but I’m not, you are. She was a deranged slut-

Kid Rock:
Crazy chicks fuck the best, eh bro?! (they give each other pounds and chuckle)

Lorna:
I’m glad we can all share in this moment, but I’ve got top shelf tequila and a man willing to eat me and toss my salad like a Muslim first day off Ramadan. (winks at Mr. Starbucks, he winks back) Now many hated Marilyn and wished she were dead (Taylor claps)…and now she is. I doubt she is looking down on us, most likely she is looking up…like she spent most of her life…looking up at the many men on top of her or while on her knee’s. Wherever she is I’m sure she is happy. Now my step-cousin Darwin would like to do a poem for Marilyn. (light clapping, Darwin walks up to the podium)

Darwin:
(looks around nervously, Taylor gives him a thumbs up, he smiles, then she turns the thumb down) This piece is called: Later Hater. Hated hater, you were hated hater. Skated on thin ice, always ready for a fight. No friends in this circle feast, just jilted clowns and angry beasts. I frown on the hated hater, but death is a people relater. No matter what, you are gone and I will be the one person who won’t act wrong. I’ll praise you like a song and say so long, see ya later hater. (bows, light clapping, he walks over to a seething Taylor) What did ya think?

Taylor:
You fucked her didn’t you?

Darwin:

What?

Britain:

Yeah I’d hate to say this, but it looks like Marilyn swam the English Channel.

Taylor:

You disgust me you perverted pussy poet!

Darwin:
You Yanks are bonkers! I didn’t touch that woman.

Taylor:

Well you wanted to-

Lorna:
Thanks, Darwin. (gives them the ‘shut up’ eyes) would anyone else like to say anything?

Kid Rock:
Well I’d like to sing a song for Marilyn since she is the mother of my child.

Britain:
(looks at Phillip Seymour Hoffman) Yes I know you won’t hang with me for a long while.


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:>
I am going to need 3 bottles of good whiskey and a Thai hooker if you ever wanna see me again. Kid Rock is about to sing. Do you even realize how wrong this all is-

Britain:
Dude, I know. Lorna knows peeps…I can get you good whiskey and probably a Mexican whore dressed in a kimono.

Kid Rock:
(a band has set up during all the dialogue, Kid clears his throat, then feels a chill and shivers) Whew. Okay this song is dedicated to a woman. A dead woman I never knew who had my kid-

Marilyn’s Ghost:

(the ghost Marilyn comes from her glossy photo, she looks angry)
No fuckin’ way! I am dead. People are eating wings around my picture and now this low rate Vanilla Ice is going to sing! No fuckin’ way! (clenches her fists, concentrates and somehow gets a wing lodged in Kid Rock’s throat)

Fifty Cent:

(runs to Kid Rock’s side, Kid Rock is gasping for air) Yo! This muthafucka is choking. Somebody call 911!!


Scene 3: We are in the emergency room at St. Vincents Hospital. Taylor, Darwin, Britain, Josephina, Fifty Cent, Lorna and Mr. Starbucks are in the waiting room. Kurt is in Kid Rock’s hospital room, along with Kid Rock’s son.

Kid Rock:
I can’t believe this kid is almost three and doesn’t have a name.

Kurt:

Yeah just never got around to it…

Kid Rock:
What am going to name you? Hmmmm..

While Kid Rock is deciding on a name, there is action in the waiting room.


Darwin:
My lips nor penis have touched that woman.

Taylor:

(laughs) I just wanted to hear you say penis.

Britain:
That was pretty spectacular. (she and Taylor hi-5)

Darwin:
Grow up Taylor! (storms off, leaving the hospital)

Britain:

Man, Darwin’s mad at you and Phillip Seymour Hoffman is mad at me-

Josephina:
Wait! Are you sleeping with Phillip Seymour Hoffman?

Britain:

No. We are just friends.

Lorna:
So who is putting love juice in your cup?

Britain:
No one.

Taylor:

Tsk, tsk.

Britain:

Well you should talk Taylor! Darwin just left you like all your other men-they leave you!

Taylor:
Um, no. They stalk me. I leave them. (files her nails)

Lorna:

Yes, that’s true. Tantalizing Taylor is what they call her in Astoria, Queens.

Mr. Starbucks:
I’ve heard: Titillating Taylor on the Upper West Side. (he and Lorna eye-fuck each other)

Josephina:

I mean my cousin Adrian who is a female had strong feelings for Taylor and they didn’t even have sex.

Fifty Cent:

Shit, she might even turn Kanye straight! (he chuckles, Josephina slaps him on the shoulder)

Britain:

Whatever!

Taylor:
Someone needs to write another poem. (Britain huffs and storms off)

Back in the hospital room.

Kid Rock:
I know what I’ll call you…because you’re strong and constantly getting broken…imma call you Hymen.

Kurt:

Wow. That’s a pretty cool name.

Kid Rock:
Yeah. Hymen Rock. It’s like an oxymoron n’ shit.

Kurt:
(chuckles) Yeah. So…

Kid Rock:

So…

Kurt:

For the last three years I have been supporting your son. I need my money back, Kid.

Kid Rock:
Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me? (covers Hymens’ ears)

Kurt:
Not at all. I know you’re good for it.

Kid Rock:
(still covering Hymens’ ears) I will fucking cut your heart out!

Kurt:
Um, I’m not understanding the hostility…I mean, he’s your kid and I’ve been giving almost half my paycheck to take care of him. What’s the problem?

Kid Rock:
I ain’t payin’ you shit!

Mr. Starbucks:

(hears the commotion and comes into the room)
Woah, fella’s. What’s going on?

Kid Rock:

This fucker says I owe him money!

Mr. Starbucks:
Well, you do. You are the kids father. He was supporting him. Its really that simple.

Kid Rock:
Well you both can simply kiss my pimply ass.

Mr. Starbucks:

Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to give him a check for 85 thousand dollars. Its going to clear. You’re also going to never curse in front of that precious boy again. If you don’t make these things happen…I will cut out your intestines, eat them, and wash it all down with a caramel frappacino. (Mr. Starbucks gives Kid a knowing look)

Kid Rock:

So…I make the check out to Kurt Sandleback?

Britain is by the hospital candy machines, Santo Domingo appears next to her and helps her pull Famous Amos cookies out of the machine.

Britain:
Thanks.

Santo:

No problem.

Britain:

You look familiar…

Santo:
Lot’s of people say that.

Britain:
(opens her cookies)
Cookie?

Santo:
I would like more than a cookie.

Britain:
(blushes)
Milk?

Santo:
More.

We see red satin sheets, and then a sleeping Santo Domingo…and Britain awake staring at the mirrored ceiling. She squeezes her eyes shut and opens them again. Then she lifts the sheet and looks at the leopard thong he has on, again. Then notices the posters of Antonio Banderas. Britain slides out of the bed, gathers her things and then leaves the apartment.
Taylor is waiting outside the bank for Kirk when her cell phone rings.


Taylor:
Hello?

Darwin:
Taylor, love. I have something to tell you. I’ve been asked to join a Soul II Soul revival group…and I think I’m gonna do it.

Taylor:
Sweet, I LOVE that song ‘back to life…back to reality’.

Darwin:
It's back in London.

Taylor:
Oh. Well I can visit.

Darwin:

We’ll be traveling all over-

Taylor:
Are you trying to break up with me?!

Darwin:
We’re just shaggin’ right?

Taylor:
Fuckin’ right! Safe trip bitch. (hangs up cell phone, one lone tear glides down Taylor’s cheek)

Kurt:
(comes out of the bank)
Woah, did someone harm George Clooney?

Taylor:
No. I don’t wanna talk about it. Let’s go eat. You’re buying.

Scene 4: The next day the gang are all at Starbucks. Kurt is sitting at a table counting money, Josephina is putting fresh treats in a glass case, Taylor is behind a register, and Britain is behind another register. Lorna saunters in.

Lorna:
Taylor Green you dick breaking wench, how dare you!

Taylor:
What the fuck did I do?

Lorna:
Family is important to me. Important like cotton briefs to a woman.

Taylor:

Sure. He left though-

Britain:
What’s going on?

Taylor:

Darwin went back to England to join Soul II Soul.

Josephina:
(laughs) That is fuckin’ amazing!

Kurt:
I cannot believe that’s Lorna’s cousin and that you are fuckin’ him Taylor.

Taylor:

Not anymore.

Lorna:

Call him.

Britain:
Yeah Taylor. You have never hated anyone as much as you hate him!

Taylor:
Wait a minute- Lorna why are you so vested in my cooch?

Lorna:
I…believe in love…or gratification…something-

Britain:
Who are you sleeping with L?

Lorna:
(smiles shortly)
Mr. Starbucks and I are exploring the possibilities of a relationship. (they all hi-5)

Kurt:

Talk about job security.

Lorna:
I don’t have to work. Never have. This is all besides the point. Taylor, call him.

Taylor:
Fine. (dials a few numbers on her cell phone, waits) Hey Darwin…

Darwin:
Taylor…

Taylor:
So you should stay. I’ll drink more tea.

Darwin:
Will you respect my poetry and join the drum circle?

Taylor:

FUCK YOU-

Darwin:

(chuckles)
Just the poetry then?

Taylor:
…and the tea.

Darwin:
Deal.

Taylor:
Okay so we’ll meet at our sushi spot at 6…

Darwin:
See you there. (Taylor hangs up the cell phone)

Taylor:
Done. (looks at Britain, Lorna smiles) So what’s the word with the man juice and Phillip Seymour Hoffman?

Britain:
Read my memoirs.

Acorn rolls into the Starbucks. Kurt stands up. Acorn walks over to him, waits a bit, then they soul brotha handshake.

Acorn:
Can’t let women come in between men unless we can both fit in.

Kurt:
Word.

Josephina:
For once I agree with Acorn. (turns towards him) Now we’re all about to hi-5 and you cannot join in. Okay?

Acorn:

Cool, cool I ain’ t crew crew. (the gang all hi-5’s)

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