The Story of We: Episode 5

The Story of We
Episode5: We Holiday
Screenplay by Honey T
12/5/06



Setting: In NYC, of course, the story takes place in a Starbucks, in a penthouse over looking Central Park, in a building lobby, Saks Fifth Avenue, and Taylor’s apartment. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Starring:
Taylor Greene- 20’s, witty, aloof, wordy
Britain Sawyer- 20’s, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20’s, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20’s, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone- 20’s, hater, mom, ghost
Kurt Sandleback- 20’s, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon- 20’s, artist, rapper, babysitter
Featuring:
Spearchuck Openhide- ageless, doctor, playboy
Santo Domingo- 20’s, Latin heart throb, assassin
Darwin Jeffries- 20’s, choreographer, hippy, neo-souler
Fifty Cent- as himself
Tyra Banks- as herself
Amy Winehouse- as herself
Rihanna – as herself
Craig David- as himself
Robert Downey Jr.- as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman- as himself
Pam Grier- as Taylor’s Mom
Denzel Washington- Taylor’s Dad
John Cleese- as Britain’s Dad
Eartha Kitt- as Britain’s Step-Mom
Cissy Spacek- as Josephina’s Mom
Samuel Jackson- as Josephina’s Step-Dad
Diana Ross- as Lorna’s Mom
Daryl Hannah- as Kurt’s Mom
Wayne Newton- as Kurt’s Dad
AND
Steve Carell as Mr. Starbucks


Scene 1: A sign reads: Saks 5th Avenue. We then go inside and see Britain, Taylor, Lorna and Josephina holiday shopping. They happen to be in the shoe section. All is well until Taylor spots Kurt with Tyra Banks picking out snake skinned ankle boots. Nat King Cole’s ‘Silent Night’ plays softly in the background.


Taylor:
That’s really him-

Britain:
Is he with a tranny?

Taylor:
Well ever since I dumped him, he just hasn’t been right. First Marilyn…now a tranny.

Lorna:
I know the shine of that forehead-that’s Tyra Banks. (they all gasp and try to sneak inconspicuous peaks)

Taylor:
Holy shit! It is Tyra!

Josephina:
She’s so gab-o-liscious! (giggles)

Britain:
I can’t believe he’s with Tyra Banks! That’s insane!

Taylor:
No the boots are the insane thing.

Lorna:
True dat. (they all look at Lorna for a moment) I’ve been feeling more urban lately.

Britain:
We need to go over there and find out what’s going on. (they all walk towards Kurt and Tyra, they stand in a half circle around the two)

Kurt:
(smiles) Ladies, what are you doing here?

Jospehina:
Shopping. What about you…getting new boots? (smirks)

Kurt:
No, actually my girlfriend Tyra Banks is buying boots.

Tyra Banks:
(waves) Hi ladies! I’m Tyra. Yall look great! Like an ad. I model…well I’m retired now-

Taylor:
And you have that talk show.

Tyra Banks:
Yes! ‘The Tyra Banks Show!’

Britain:
How’d you two lovebirds meet? (Kurt and Tyra look at each other and tap each others legs, Britain, Josephina and Taylor mock vomiting. Lorna looks on slightly interested.)

Kurt:
Should you tell or me-

Tyra Banks:
You tell!

Kurt:
No you!

Britain:
Tyra should tell. She does have a talk show. (smirks)

Tyra Banks:
Okay, so sweet Kurt (touches his cheek, Kurt looks down all shy-like) came on my show to tell his story-

Josephina:
Yes! I remember that. Curtis and I took a straight shots of Criss every time he said, ‘Um’.

Tyra Banks:
Awesome. He talked about thinking he had a son. Someone to love in this world- (stops because Lorna, Josephina, Taylor and Britain are laughing loudly)

Britain:
(wipes a tear) Sorry, continue…whew.

Tyra Banks:
Sadly the child wasn’t his, and now he feels alone in the world. Like life has no purpose. Reminded me of the time when Sports Illustrated called to tell me I wouldn’t make the cover one year. It was devastating, like a piece of my soul was ripped out. (starts tearing up)

Kurt:
(puts his arms around her)
Oh baby. (they hug and whisper sweet nothings in each others ears)

Taylor:
Okay, so we’re gonna go.

Britain:
Uh…yeah. See ya later. I- (is yanked away by Taylor. Lorna and Josephina have hastily made their way to the escalators)

Josephina:
Holy shit, that was painful!

Britain:
I still don’t understand what’s going on.

Lorna:
I think Kurt is at a point in his life where he’s trying to belong. Its like people who join cults.

Taylor:
He’s drinking the Tyra-juice- wait…(dry heaves)

Britain:
Oh dude, that was disgusting.

Josephina:
Does this mean we have to hang out with her? I don’t know how nice I can be to her-

Taylor:
Me either. I would be more excited if he were dating Miss Jay…

Britain:
Or even a male model…like Tyson Beckford. (turns bright red when she see’s Santo Domingo walking towards them, carrying a gold lame` suit) Oh shit.

Taylor:
I know! Someone should inform Ricky Ricardo here that Solid Gold has been CANCELLED. (she and Josephina hi-5)

Josephina:
Maybe Diddy is bringing shiny suits back!

Britain:
Right. (avoids eye contact with Santo, he walks up to her)

Santo:
Hello…

Britain:
Who are you?! Come on! (walks quickly ahead of everyone, they all follow a little stunned, Santo is left standing alone holding his suit)

Taylor:
(once they reach the handbag section) What was that about?

Britain:
Nothing. That guy was weird…he had a shiny gold suit.

Josephina:
He also seemed to know you-

Britain:
What?! No way. Me…him…nooooo.

Lorna:
Me thinks thou protest too much. Is he at least good in the sac?

Britain:
(blushes) Sac? What?! No.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Britain?

Britain:
Phillip! Hey! (they hug, whispers:) Thank God!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Hello again ladies. (he waves)

Taylor:
Hoffster, what’s crackin’?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Oh, a little holiday shopping for the lady and family. Lorna you lushy bitch. Give me a hug! (he and Lorna hug)

Lorna:
Oh Phil you’re such a crack up! You haven’t changed since Alvin Ailey.

Britain:
Wait- you guys know each other?

Taylor:
You guys danced in an African American dance company??!

Lorna:
(ignores Britain and Taylor)
I’m sorry we didn’t get to chat at the memorial…

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Well, it was a Lorna Long production…so it had to be insane!

Lorna:
It doesn’t compare to that Halloween at Polanski’s-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Hush your mischievous mouth. (turns to Britain) You, what’s going on?

Britain:
Uh, holiday shopping-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Nope. You and RDJ. Word around town is that you’re avoiding him-

Taylor:
He’s not the only one…(shimmy’s her shoulders) eh-eh eh- eh. (she and Josephina hi-5)

Britain:
Fuck you Taylor! I did not know that guy! (takes a moment) Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I have been really busy. Robert understands.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Oh I know RDJ like I know my dick size. He will not stand for the avoiding.

Britain:
Weren’t you the one that said-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Fuck what I said! You have come into your own. You have also put in a few years with RDJ, you owe him a chance.

Britain:
I’ll think about it.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
What’s there to think about? You love him, he loves you-

Britain:
Yes. It’ll be fine for a few months and then he’s back on the pipe.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
B, I’ve seen him. He’s different.

Taylor:
I don’t know much, but I know Phillip Seymour Hoffman is wise. (she and Phillip curtsy each other, then Taylor nudges Britain) Give him a chance.

Britain:
(looks at all her friends slightly pleading faces…well Lorna is purchasing a 3thousand dollar handbag and is paying no mind to the conversation) I don’t know guys….


Scene 2: We are in Fifty Cent’s Escalade. Josephina is in the front passenger seat and Lorna is sitting in the back. Fifty is playing “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly.

Lorna:
(is scrolling through her i-Phone) So what exactly did Brit say was wrong with her?

Josephina:
She just text me: Taylor and tequila.

Lorna:
Sweet Jesus! What the fuck happened between us shopping and tequila?

Fifty Cent:
Yo, a lot can happen in a day.

Josephina:
I know it must be bad if Taylor has turned to tequila-

Lorna:
Well there’s still hope. If she has the Cuervo out, then we know its just Taylor with a taste for tequila…anything will do. Its just the holidays. Now, if its Patron…then that’s bad.

Fifty Cent:
Taylor seems like she doesn’t give a fuck about things enough for it to get her all like that…

Josephina:
She’s a tough cookie with a chewy center.

Lorna:
Yes, Taylor is like vulva-

Fifty Cent:
Oh yo, we’re here. (they all exit the Escalade quickly, and run up Taylor’s brownstone steps. Josephina presses the buzzer and they get buzzed in. Britain appears at the top of the stairs with her arms folded, you can hear Taylor singing ‘S.O.S” by Rihanna rather poorly in the background)

Britain:
Thank goodness you’re here-

Lorna:
Patron or Cuervo?

Britain:
Patron. 3 bottles of Patron!

Josephina:
Holy shit! What the fuck happened?

Britain:
(shakes her head) Dunno where to begin…..I happened to be stopping by to pick up this sweater I wanted to borrow from her, and she is blasting Mariah Carey ‘Vision of Love’!

Lorna:
Sweet heavenly hay-sus!! Mariah AND Patron!

Fifty Cent:
(has a ‘stink’ face) Was she singing that too?

Josephina:
(hits Fifty’s arm) Curtis! Taylor has a pleasant singing voice…its just when she gets drunk..she sounds like a cat that needs to be put out of its misery.

Britain:
When I ask her what’s up she tries to punch me…then she cries. After a bit I get her to tell me what happened…basically Darwin is dating Rihanna and Taylor found out by watching Access Hollywood!

Josephina:
That scone eating giggalo!

Fifty Cent:
Wow he straight played T for the forehead, yo!

Lorna:
(shakes her head) I knew joining that Soul II Soul revival was a bad idea…and Darwin has always had a thing for pretty eyes and bad singing voices-

Taylor:
BRRRITAIN! WHERE ARE YOU?! I LOVE YOU! I DIDN’T MEAN TO ALMOST SHANK YOU. WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE MEEEE? (sniffles) GAWD! (sings) I’ll be your friend…to the end…be my umbrella-ella-ella-ella ay ay ay ay ayyyyyyyyyyyy-

Britain:
She did try to shank me, but didn’t break skin. (goes back into Taylor’s apartment, the gang follows. Britain sits next to Taylor who is laying face down on the couch, Britain rubs her back) There, there Taylor. Its okay. Look, Jose is here…and Fifty…and Lorna.

Lorna:
(rushes to Taylor’s side) I am so sorry my step-cousin is being an asshole. Let me make it up to you…here….(fumbles in her bag and pulls out a wad of cash) take this. Its only a g, but it should get ya something nice. (smiles)

Taylor:
(looks at the money and Lorna awhile, then snatches the cash) Thank you. (she weakly tries to punch Lorna in the face) I hate you! I hate you! You told me to call him! I hate you! (sings) I don’t wanna be…a murdererrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

Fifty Cent:
Yo seriously, she’s gotta stop singing! That shit is making my eardrums bleed.

Josephina:
Fuck you Curtis! Can’t you see our girl is in pain! This ain’t about you and your precious eardrums. (pulls out a Tupperware) I brought expresso cupcakes!

Fifty Cent:
(mumbles) Well if she woulda stayed with my boy Justin, then shit would be straight. You know them Euro-peans can’t be trusted…wearing tight jeans n’ shit. Fuck those dudes.

Josephina:
(says over her shoulder to Fifty) Curtis, if you don’t quit your bitchin’, I am gonna fist you with no ‘glide this time! (goes back to offering Taylor a cupcake)

Taylor:
(takes a cupcake) Thanks Jose. (two knocks are heard at the door as Taylor eats the cupcake, Fifty opens the door to Kurt and Tyra Banks)

Kurt:
Yo, what the fuck is going on? Taylor called me and started singing a Mariah Carey song…(looks at Taylor and see’s an empty bottle of Patron beside her) Oh shit! Patron!

Britain:
Yeah. Its bad man, but I’m glad she’s eating an expresso cupcake.

Tyra Banks:
Well what happened?

Taylor:
You know what happened? Big forehead bitches all want my men! (throws the rest of her cupcake at Tyra) I mean my leftovers! Take them. I don’t want them! (starts crying and then sings) Cuz itssss my night….no stress…leaving it all behind…chickens ashing up lotion….

Kurt:
(is helping Tyra clean the cupcake off her chest) I’m sorry baby. She doesn’t mean it.

Tyra:
She has some issues to work out…wait- is she still in love with you?

Britain:
(laughs) No way. Nobody wants Kurt…except you of course…(smiles)

Kurt:
Thanks Brit.

Tyra:
She just reminds me of Naomi Campbell. Just filled with anger and regret. Now she has to know that you’ve moved on from her and are with a supermodel. That’s gotta be tough-

Britain:
Um, Tyra …this is not about you or Kurt. This is about (whispers) Rihanna and Darwin- (notices Taylor is on the phone) Who did she call?

Taylor:
I hope your dick gets stuck to her forehead and then you both DIE!- (Josephina grabs the phone and hangs it up) Heyyyyyyyyy! (Josephina hands her another cupcake, which quiets her)

Josephina:
Shit, she just called Darwin.

Lorna:
(cell phone rings) Its Darwin. (picks up) Yeah…..I know, I know. Well she has a right- I guess…fine. (hangs up) Men just are what they are. Blank checks sitting in front of a rich woman with no appendages.

Britain:
Listen Taylor. We are all here for you…and you’ll be over this in a few hours.

Taylor:
Fuck dudes and foreheads! (throws the rest of her cupcake at Tyra again) I feel better.


Scene 3: We see Central Park at night, then follow Britain and Taylor as they enter Mr. Starbuck’s penthouse lobby. It looks like a normal residential building lobby of the insanely rich. Suddenly the lights go low and we hear finger snaps-‘Fosse’ like. A singular spotlight shines on a man snapping his fingers with his head down. He has on a black fedora with a red feather in it. He also has on a white t-shirt with black suspenders attached to black slacks. Britain and Taylor are a little stunned and alarmed. Then they hear many ‘Fosse’ like finger snaps. The lights come up slowly and there are 5 dancers, and a guy playing a baby grand piano. When the initial guy in the suspenders lifts his head he reveals himself to be Robert Downey Jr.. Britain and Taylor gasp.

Robert Downey Jr.:
(slowly walk towards Britain, sings in a jazzified tone:)
I don’t want a lot for Christmas….there is just one thing I need…I don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree…(touches her cheek, Britain just about melts) I just want you for my own, more than you will ever know…make my wish come truuuuuue…Brit baby all I want for Christmas…is you. (they kiss)

Taylor:
(slow claps)
See that’s what I’m muth-fuckin’ talkin’ about!

Britain:
Oh Robert…

Robert Downey Jr.:
I know I need to give you time and space, but I can’t function without my Britain. I did the full program this time and I think I beat it! Please come back to me. Please! (he kisses her again)

Taylor:
(looks around)
He must be off of the stuff…this kinda shit takes time and planning…and extra money that could possibly be used for drugs. Robert Downey Jr., you’re alright by me. (he stops kissing Britain long enough to hi-5 Taylor)

Robert Downey Jr.:
Thanks Taylor. (looks at Britain, holding her face close to his) So what’s it gonna be lady?

Britain:
Leave out the suspenders and fedora…and its gonna be you and me-(Robert Downey Jr. kisses her again)


Scene 4: Britain, Taylor and Robert Downey enter Mr. Starbucks penthouse apartment. The rest of the gang is there, including everyone’s parents! Tyra Banks is there, along with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Fifty Cent. Craig David is also there chatting with Lorna’s mom, when he see’s Taylor he sneaks up behind her. The penthouse is festively decorated. Spearchuck and Acorn are dressed as waiters, they are holding silver trays filled with or d’horves. There is a string quartet playing in the corner, and long dinner table in the center of the room. Mr. Starbucks and Lorna are walking around greeting everybody. There is good cheer in the air.



Mr. Starbucks:
(in Lorna’s ear)
Who are those attractive Blacks by the oysters?

Lorna:
Oh, Taylor’s mom and dad. Aren’t they hot?!

Mr. Starbucks:
We should tell them we’re swingers…and see if they…bite. (they both chuckle)

Lorna:
Yes. Taylor’s mom and dad make me ten waves of moist. Let’s go get some spiked nog and then make our way to the oysters. (they walk towards a large crystal bowl filled with egg nog)

Fifty Cent:
(is standing by one of the large windows of the penthouse with Josephina, her step-dad and her mom)
This penthouse is pretty dope.

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
Dope?! Mutha fucka don’t you have that shit around my babygirl-

Fifty Cent:
No sir, I would never…(is a little flustered)

Josephina’s Mom:
Ease up Leroy. (pats his shoulder)

Josephina:
Yeah dad…Curtis just means that this place is really nice-

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
Well shouldn't this mutha fucka be used to this. Isn’t he surrounded by the finer things. Walking into this penthouse should be like me walking into a MAC-DONALDS-

Fifty Cent:
Sir, you’re right, but because of my humble beginnings…I am still amazed.

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
What this mutha fucka talkin’ about…HUMBLE? He walks around with a fifty thousand dollar chain on his neck. (waves a hand at Fifty and then goes to mingle in the crowd)

Josephina’s Mom:
I’m so sorry Curtis. Leroy hasn’t eaten in a few hours. When his blood sugars low…well-

Fifty Cent:
No prob, Mrs. Fergus. Would you ladies like anything to drink?

Josephina:
I’m good. Just drank two glasses of henny and sprite.

Josephina’s Mom:
Wow. (shakes her head) I’m sorry, was just looking at that couple by the oysters-

Josephina:
Oh yeah, those are Taylor’s parents.

Fifty Cent:
Shit, if Taylor gets it from her momma…I wanna get it from them both! (Josephina gives him an ‘ice grill’) You know I’m playin’ babe-

Josephina:
No you’re not. Shit, if I didn’t respect Taylor AND her mom, I would totally try to put it on her dad…put it on him thick like frosting. (Fifty gives her a dirty look) I’m just jokin’ babe. (smirks)

Josephina’s Mom:
Well both you guys can just step to the side because I grew up in the free lovin’ 60’s…I should find out if they both don’t mind a little cream in their coffee-

Josephina:
MOM!

Craig David:
(is holding Taylor around her hips)
There you are love. I’ve been here for twenty minutes waiting aimlessly for my Taylor fix.

Taylor:
Oh. (is looking around, seems disinterested in Craig) Well here I am.

Craig David:
(sniffs her hair and nuzzles her neck)
We should find a coat closet and-

Britain:
Taylor and Craig David?! (has walked over with Robert Downey Jr and Phillip Seymour Hoffman)

Taylor:
Yes. It’s him. He’s great isn’t he? (smiles weakly)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
If you need a soundtrack to being gay….

Craig David:
That’s not fair man. I was just about to compliment your work-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You know my work?

Craig David:
Of course. I respect your method man.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(puts a hand over his heart) Well, thank you…but I still think your music is for young girls and men who dress like young girls.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Phil you are such an intellectual bully. (looks at Taylor a bit) What’s going on with this?

Taylor:
Just a lil fun…

Craig David:
That’s how it starts out till you fall in love-

Spearchuck:
(holding a tray of shrimp on sesame crackers, clears his throat) Shrimp on a cracker?

Taylor:
Oh hey its Spearchuck!

Spearchuck:
Yes, it’s me. (mumbles) Someone just stab me in the face…

Britain:
What was that? (takes a shrimp cracker)

Spearchuck:
Nothing. (sighs and walks away)

Britain:
Oh no… (Acorn strolls over carrying a tray of beef skewers, his smile turns into a frown when he see’s Robert Downey Jr. with his arm around Britain’s waist)

Acorn:
Lady love, love playing me with no glove, glove.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Oh wait, is this- (Britain nods) Acorn, I have heard so much about you. (puts his head down, to shield his chuckles)

Acorn:
Anybody want some beef on a stick, it’s not as juicy as the meat on my dick- (storms off)

Taylor:
Woah!

Craig David:
He didn’t give me enough time to taste his meat… (they all look at him)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Checkmate. (Britain’s Dad and Step-Mom walk over to them)

Britain’s Dad:
(gives everyone a respectful nod) Taylor…and England’s very own Craig David..wow.

Taylor:
You know me Mr. Sawyer, I aim high.

Britain’s Step-Mom:
(purrs a little) Well he looks like an animal in the sac-

Britain:
Please. Stop. Talking. Hey look, its my boyfriend Robert Downey Jr.!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Hey guys.

Britain’s Dad:
Welcome back.

Britain’s Step-Mom:
Looks like the prison workout has done you good.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Just one of the perks when you’re not getting gang raped- not that that happened…

Taylor:
(notices Darwin come in with Rihanna, she starts making out with Craig David, then checks to see if they notice, Darwin looks at Taylor then places a hand on Rihanna’s ass, Taylor angrily squints) Come on Craig, let’s go meet my parents.

Craig David:
Whatever you say you sexy feisty bird. (they walk over to Taylor’s parents who are chatting with Kurt and Tyra Banks)

Taylor’s Dad:
I don’t know much about fashion week-oh hey Taylor…is this Darwin?

Taylor:
No dad its Craig David!

Kurt:
Wow Taylor that was quick-(Taylor quickly steps on his toe) Ouch!

Taylor’s Dad:
(holds out a magnificent chocolate brown hand) Pleasure to meet you.

Craig David:
(is a little flustered)
Nice meeting you too sir.

Taylor’s Dad:
This is Taylor’s mom, Mrs. Green.

Taylor’s Mom:
Hello there Craig…you’re a singer, right?

Craig David:
Um…ye-yeah. (is blushing)

Taylor:
(whispers)
What the fuck is your problem?

Craig David:
I think I want to sleep with you and your parents-

Taylor:
What the-

Darwin:
(with a smiling Rihanna on his arm)
Hello there Taylor, you sober? (smirks)

Taylor:
I thought wait staff wasn’t allowed to speak. (guides both her parents towards the 17ft 24 karat gold Christmas tree) Come, let’s look at the tree. (Craig David follows)

Taylor’s Mom:
I don’t think he was a waiter-

Taylor:
Mom, don’t. We’re looking at this tree. (looks back at Darwin who then kisses Rihanna on the cheek)

Kurt:
That was weird. Oh, I see my parents….(waves over his mom and dad)

Tyra:
Oh, do I look okay?

Kurt:
Babe you look great.

Kurt’s Dad:
Son. This is a fine party.

Kurt’s Mom:
Yes, it’s much better than our wedding.

Kurt:
Mom, dad…this is Tyra Banks. She is my girlfriend.

Kurt’s Mom:
(hugs Tyra) I just love America’s Top Model! Miss Jay is so funny.

Kurt Dad’s:
I like the ladies… (smirks at Taylor, she waves back)

Tyra Banks:
Yes, that show is my baby. It’s also a great way for young women to build confidence and-

Kurt’s Dad:
So, is there any chance I could be a judge?

Tyra Banks:
(chuckles)
Do you have modeling credibility?

Kurt’s Dad:
No. (address’s Kurt) Are those Taylor’s parents?

Kurt:
Yeah.

Kurt’s Dad:
(smiles wistfully) I see where Taylor gets it from…hubba hubba.

Kurt’s Mom:
Her dad reminds me of one of those handsome Negro actors-

Kurt’s Dad:
Term is not Negro, hon-why does the tree look like its levitating? (they all look, and the gold Christmas tree is floating. Taylor and her parents move far away from it, which puts them by Mr. Starbucks, Lorna and Josephina’s Step-Dad. Phillip Seymour stands in the middle of the room, his eyes are closed and there appears to be a gust of wind around him…and him only.)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Do not be alarmed. There is a ghost among us. (his eyes are still closed)

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
Mutha fuckin’ ghost! This ain’t Halloween, its Christmas!

Mr. Starbucks:
Everyone calm down. This will be handled. I will not tolerate an uninvited guest.

Lorna:
Well what are you gonna do? Call the ghostbusters? (sips her spiked egg nog) Let Philip handle this-

Lorna’s Mom:
(stands closer to Mr. Starbucks)
Baby, never underestimate your man. That’s when momma has to step in and show him how a man should be treated.

Josephina’s Dad:
(looks at all of them)
This is some sick shit. Babygirl! These are your friends?!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Everyone! Please, I am trying to concentrate.

Lorna:
(pulls Mr. Starbucks closer to her)
Mom, I only said Philip can handle this because he’s Wiccan.

Britain:
Of course he is. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is freakin’ magical!

Robert Downey Jr.:
PSH is something special…(he and Britain makeout)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
The spirit is angry. It’s a woman…..oh my word…its Marilyn (everyone gasps)….she wants to set the gold Christmas on fire, but says this cheap penthouse doesn’t have a fireplace…

Mr. Starbucks:
Actually I have three. All remote control and come out of the walls and floors. So, fuck you Marilyn.

Lorna:
Well put darling. (they clink spiked nog glasses and eye Taylor’s parents)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(eyes finally open and the wind stops and the tree goes back to its original spot) Whew, I think she’s gone.

Taylor:
What did you do?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
I bitch slapped her spiritually. (everyone claps)

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
Well bra-fuckin’-vo. Babygirl, pour me some whiskey! (the music starts up again and the party resumes)

Lorna:
(is eyeing Taylor’s dad)
So…what do you guys do for fun?

Taylor’s Mom:
Archery and taxidermy. (she raises an eyebrow to Lorna)

Josephina’s Dad:
Oh snap. See Black women don’t play. (looks at Lorna) Better take your little ass over by that tree.

Taylor’s Dad:
(clears his throat)
Sweets, let’s go get some egg nog. Excuse us. (smiles)

Mr. Starbucks:
Have to be more subtle. Those beautiful creatures cannot know they’re being lured…they have to be coaxed into the cage…

Lorna:
Ooo. Cage?

Lorna’s Mom:
A seasoned women knows how to put real meat on the plate and make everyone think its tofu.

Lorna:
Mom, you’re staying in a hotel tonite and I don’t want to see you till next Christmas. (storms off)

Fifty Cent:
(is sitting with Josephina)
Your step-dad really doesn’t like me, yo.

Josephina:
Oh Curtis, he’s just a lil grumpy. Drink your nog, boo.

Fifty Cent:
I don’t know…oh shit! (notices Taylor making out hardcore with Craig David) Taylor is crazy son! She gonna make that Craig David straight she keep doing that-

Craig David:
Babe- ba…mmmm. (is massaging Taylor’s ass) Why don’t we just go to the closet? Your parents are here…

Taylor:
I like to show my affection. (smirks as Darwin walks over, pulling Rihanna) What do you want Darwin?

Darwin:
I want you to do us all a favor and quit making a show with Mr. David.

Craig David:
Ah, you’re from the homeland as well. I’m from North London.

Darwin:
Who cares. Taylor, you’re just making yourself look bad-

Rihanna:
So this is Taylor?! You called me her name the other night-

Taylor:
Its okay sweety. Once any man has a taste, its hard for them to go back to…typical cooch.

Craig David:
Hey, wait a minute…you called me Darwin the other night when we were-

Taylor:
Craig, shut the hell up!

Darwin:
Ah ha!

Taylor:
Oh whatever, this was before Craig knew what he was doing…once he got the hang of it….I called him (says breathlessly) Mr. David. He’s also a better singer, dancer and lover than you, Darwin!

Darwin:
(is 10 shades of red, punches Craig David in the face) Fuck you R n’ B singers! (everyone gasps, Josephina’s Dad stands on a couch to get a better view of the fight)

Josephina’s Step-Dad:
Babygirl! Bring these people to the annual barbeque!


Scene 5: We are in a Starbucks. Taylor is restocking the treats and humming a tune. Britain is behind a register and Josephina is behind another. Kurt is nowhere to be seen. Spearchuck is still wearing the waiter outfit (because Taylor likes it) and is restocking the napkins. Lorna strolls in.

Lorna:
I didn’t think you guys would be open…its New Years Eve.

Britain:
We know. Robert wanted to go to Tahoe, but I got this shitty shift. One would think with us being good friends with Mr. Starbucks he’d let have this day off.

Lorna:
He doesn’t mix business with pleasure. Where’s Kurt?

Josephina:
Most likely in his office with Tyra Banks. Please don’t ask me what they’re doing, it would make me wanna claw my brain out.

Lorna:
Taylor, you seem rather chipper…even though Darwin broke Craig David’s jaw. He may never sing again.

Taylor:
He’ll be aight. Yo, Josephina…your step-dad is the shit!

Josephina:
Yeah and I wanna fuck your dad! (they chuckle and hi-5)

Britain:
Insanity.

Lorna:
I also noticed that Rihanna nursed Mr. David and Darwin left with you, Taylor.

Taylor:
Just because we rode the same elevator down, doesn’t mean we left together. Puhh-lease.

Britain:
So you don’t want him back?

Taylor:
That fool can’t handle this.(just then the doors open, Robert Downey Jr. walks in with Amy Winehouse. She is carrying a microphone.) What the hell is this?

Britain:
What’s going on Robert?

Amy Winehouse:
O’shit, you didn’t tell me you knew Lorna Long. (she and Lorna hug) It’s been too long.

Lorna:
It sure has been. With love in my life I no longer need an 8ball to make it through the tough moments.

Amy Winehouse:
I wan’a be like you when I gro’ up, Lorna.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Brit, I met Amy in rehab-

Taylor:
But I thought they tried to make her go-

Britain:
Don’t do it Taylor! That is too cheesy!

Taylor:
Shit, you’re right. Proceed.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Hit it Amy! (Amy starts singing her song ‘Addicted’) I chose this song because I am addicted to you now Britain....(Britain smiles)

Taylor:
(says under breath)
And she says I’m cheesy.

Robert Downey Jr.
(gets down on one knee, he is holding a small blue velvet box) Britain.

Britain:
O M G! O M G! O M G!

Josephina:
Taylor if there is a small crack rock in there, you owe me twenty bucks! (takes out her cell phone to take a pic)

Taylor:
Deal!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Britain, I love you more than any drug. The high you give me is unmatched. Please be my wife. Will you marry me?

Britain:
Yes! (they all cheer. Britain and Robert Downey Jr. hug and kiss, Kurt comes from the back with Tyra Banks)

Kurt:
What did I miss?

Taylor:
Britain is going to be Mrs. Downey Jr.!

Kurt:
Why didn’t anyone call me out here?!

Josephina:
We didn’t want to interrupt you going down on your girlfriend!

Kurt:
Damn you guys.

Tyra Banks:
There, there kitten…let’s have a frappacino.

Britain:
Kitten?! (she, Taylor, Josephina, Lorna, Amy Winhouse and Robert Downey Jr. all laugh heartily)

Amy Winehouse:
What a pussy!

Taylor:
Nice one Winehouse!

Lorna:
Wedding engagements are the perfect way to start the new year. Mr. Starbucks is bringing the Veuve. We’re closing early and having our own private party!

Amy Winehouse:
Then we can do coke lines with the big straws off of the lemon loafs.

Everyone (except Spearchuck):
Holla!!