Sunday, June 6, 2010

Ridin' The Dagger: My Review of Prince of Persia


Admittedly, I was looking forward to checking out the movie: Prince of Persia.
Not because I played the video game. Not because I have a thing for Persians-or British/American actors spray tanned to be Persian.
I went to see this movie because of the promise of a jacked, tanned Jake Gyllenhaal! This is what summer is all about. Not meant to be all serious and thought provoking. It's about tans and adventures. So, after a long day of walking about in the sun and mugginess- it was right at the point where I was hoping someone would flick their sweat on me so that I could cool down- when I turned to Kat and was like: we should go see Prince of Persia tonight. Sitting in intense AC for a few mindless hours sound heavenly!!
She agreed. We assembled a crew-which was basically me and two couples...but that was fine because these are my peeps AND I would have Jake. MMmmmm. MMMmmmm.

Should've known when I walked into the sluggishly AC'd Union Square theater that this wasn't going to end well. I had a cherry coke and the prospect of Jake G's abs though.
Then Maria mentioned that there was a funny smell- we were sitting way back in the theater because it was kinda FULL, I usually call this the 'fucking section'- I tell her it's dried encrusted semen. She seems satisfied with that response, and I become a lil itchy.
The movie begins...like a video game...and ends that way too. I wish I had a vibrating controller to play along with the movie because that would've made it more interesting! I also wished that the movie had no dialogue (it was horrific)and just showed Jake shirtless in the sand...then showed him showering the sand off of his bod...then jumping off a few buildings-shirtless, dripping with sweat, straggly weave blowing in the wind. See, I am not a total superficial horndog, I'll allow the bad weave- good LORD if that was Jake's REAL hair, then may he NEVER grow it out again.
I really would've paid to see just that instead of what I saw in the film. I paid to see horrible dialogue, a convoluted storyline, White people darkened to play non- White people, forced chemistry between Jake and the leading princess lady- Kat said he had more chemistry with Heath Ledger in Brokeback, AND NOT ONE SCENE WITH JAKE SHIRTLESS!!!!!!!!!!
What.The.Fuck????
About half way through the movie I realized it was never going to happen. All those TMZ photo's of him walking about all jacked and tanned...and shirtless. Rippling abs, 'guns' for days...LIES! Once I realized it wasn't going down, I started making my own movie in my head. Sure it wouldn't have been Disney approved, but I think it will be a hit with audiences.
The best thing about the (real) movie was that the princess's name was close to my own. Hers was Tamina-so whenever Jake's character said or yelled her name I envisioned it was me he was calling....which helped with the new movie I was making in my mind. My movie was called: Ridin' The Dagger.
You can tell by it's amazingly clever title that the movie involves some serious dagger ridin'. Mostly me ridin' Jakes...dagger. The dagger would serve as a double entendre (sp) so that my movie would not be considered a porn...plus I like adventure with my 'dagger ridin'', so there would be fightin' scenes and maybe scenes with Jake looking at me all murderous eyes (he has cooky, googly killer eyes that I love)reciting poetry...or dick daggertry (dick dagger poetry)!
I pulled the actual audience into MY film when Jake and the leading princess lady almost kissed again before they saved the world and he says something like don't worry about anything happening to me. I added: because I haven't boned you yet.
Which got a lot of laughter.
The movie goes on and on. Then I realized that Ben Kingsley AND Alfred Molina were in it!!!!!!!!! WOAH. Talk about needing a paycheck?!!!

Anywho, the movie went on about this dagger of importance. Jake had to keep Ben Kingsley's character from placing the dagger in something because if there was penetration...and all this sand was released...the world would end.
Ben gets the dagger in. Princess lady tells Jake to let her fall to her death (he couldn't pull it out and save her) and PULL.IT.OUT!! One of the BEST movie experiences happened last night when Jake let her hand go and she fell to her screaming death and the WHOLE audience laughed n' cheered!
I was like: see, everybody sees it Jakey-boo. It's you and me, none of these other full mouthed non- acting bitches!
Jake of course...saves the world...by.pulling.out!! Not exactly how I would've ended Ridin' The Dagger, but my character wouldn't be ready for kids or anything...soooo...

Yeah, the movie sucked and there was no strong AC (in movie theater), nor did I see Jake's abs and I had to suffer through horrendous dialogue...oh and the lone Black dude DYING-of course.
I'll let Jake live though because I recently watched Donnie Darko and fell in love again.

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