Monday, October 25, 2010

On Race, TV and Film with Me and B.

**This chat/convo came about when B text me Saturday night while I was out and she was home with her roomie watching 'Why Did I Get Married?'. B had to share the horror of her roomie finding Tyler Perry not only a great actor but HOT! She said he is a Black George Clooney- this blew both me and B's mind and we decided that her roommate needed to associate herself with more Black men.**

me: am still laughing about you and your roomie watching 'why did i get married?'
ahhahaah- that shit was on ALL WEEKEND!

B: DUDE it gets better! When I got home last night she was watching Diary of an Angry Black Woman!

me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. awe-some

B: I was all, "...."

me: and what did she think of that theatrical feat?

B: and I quote, "It's not as good as 'Why Did I get Married?', but it's so much better than 'I Think I Love My Wife'.'!!!!!
Somewhere Spike Lee punched someone and didn't know why.

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. definitely! someone got sucker punched in the kneecap

B: I mean, I'm not a black filmmaker, but even I was all, "TYLER PERRY IS MAKING JIM CROW FILM ACCEPTABLE!" ....but then I was all, "Janet Jackson lost her son! This is tragic."

me: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH
have me reenact that movie for you
you may wanna make it a one woman show
T Does Tyler. it's quite exceptional

B: Um, I need to warn you, my Jill Scott Sad Fat Woman monologues that I've been doing randomly are the shit.

me: woah!
cannot wait till we hang next!!!
i love her 'ACTING' facial expressions
those are the best...when she is trying to be subtle within a beat.
stellar.

B: I do a lot of crying and saying things like, "I prayed to Jesus to save my marriage BUT HE DIDN'T!"
YES! EXACTLY!

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAH
please tell me when a man kisses you
you say: can we pray now

B: every. day.

me: ... before you do unholy things with each others personal pieces
YAY!

B: I also then wear some spanx and everyone is like YOU ARE A NEW WOMAN
and then I tell my evil ex that he was not my first.

me: HAHHAHAHAHH!

B: then I tell random skinny bitches not tempt me and stay away from the wine bottles.

me: her face during that whole scene is why i hate her!

B: EXACTLY!

me: ahahahhahahaah! well i am a mix of the loud stereotypical black woman and janet jackson

B: I also love that she falls in love with the sheriff because he's like, "big girls need to eat too," like THAT is what seals the deal.

me: ...crying n shit...but with better hair though.
he (Tyler) did ms. jackson WRONG in the hair department
HAHAHAH I KNOW!!!(re:the sheriff n' big girls) he was all like yeah i work out...and we can work out together...

B: seriously. It wasn't cute. And it got progressively worse. (re: janet jackson hair in 'why did i get married?')

me: ...get the fuck outta here...get me some pancakes and a hamhock bitch!
he was like- let's work out...or you can put on some spanx. your choice. i'll love you anyways...because...that's what the script says

B: I like that all the dudes were like, "did she get her stomach stapled," and then make jokes about "working out," which her new man does not deny! HILARIOUS.

me: HAHAHHAHAHAHAH

B: Also - Tyler Perry claiming he has impregnated his dental assistant = delightful.

me: he's all like, its cold in colorado and heat is expensive!! (re: the sheriff still)
HHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

B: HAHAHAHAHA! YES!

me: every time i saw him i kept thinking 'the black george clooney'and laughing

B: seriously, it's making me laugh now! Then - last night - when I realized Camille from Bones was in Diary of an Angry Black Woman as Tyler Perry's drugged out ex I was all indignant like, "CAMILLE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER DAUGHTER FOR CRACK! I HATE YOU TYLER PERRY!"

me: HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH! with the bangs and on the crack!
then again if my hubby was gay and dressed as a older sassy black woman
i would smoke crack too! i forget...the angry black woman...is this the one with shemar moore?? and she's in jail...or the one where the hubby has the big house and cheats on her with some yellow girl...i get them all confused

B: Big house, yellow girl. which is the one where Medea is in jail and meets the drug addict?

me: ahhhh when madea cuts the couch in half with a chainsaw....
oh man

B: YES!
and madea all doesn't want to pray because she hates god.
hahahaha, oh Madea.

me: hahhahahahhahahha

B: T this is basically one of the better conversations we've had in a long time.

me: fuck.madea.
hahahahah i think so

B: Exactly!

me: it may be blogged

B: her low slung boobs are so distracting!

me: it's relative as well as intelligent (re:our chat)

B: Man do you think my roommate is going to start watching House of Payne now?
Because I might have to draw the line.

me: or that coonery 'meet the browns'?
hate.both!

B: I literally cannot stop laughing! YOU SAID COONERY! Oh dear lord help me.

me: hahahahhahaha that is allllllllll it is
the commercials (even) make me sooo angry. ANGRY!

B: Meet the Browns does for the african american coomunity what King of Queens did to the caucausians = SHAMED US ALL!

me: the only movie of t.p's that i didn't despise wholly was 'the family that preys'
HAHAHAHH
dude
I LOVE king of queens
come on!
doug!
deacon! (can get it)
i would compare meet the browns to like...the hills or something
or them kardashians

B: DUDE. DOUG IS A FAT LARD ASS WITH A HOT WIFE.

me: ...them shows make whites looks horrific

B: WHO PUTS UP WITH HIS DICKISH BEHAVIOR!

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

B: THEY HAVE TOKEN BLACK FRIENDS!
IT'S SO AWKWARD!

me: which they acknowledge as token

B: NOT MAKING IT LESS AWKWARD!

me: hahahha you're right...but doug has a nice face...ahhahah

B: oh. my. god. You want to do Kevin James.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

me: you're right though, i would've left his big ass 2 shows in
no. no i don't.

B: KEVIN JAMES IS YOUR TYLER PERRY IF YOU WERE MY ROOMMATE!

me: i have had some weird tastes...but deacon- the token black wins on that show.
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
NO HE ISN'T!

B: I would do Jerry Stiller.

me: he (kevin james) is not the white idris elba!
no and no!

B: The randomly Jewish father to two clearly catholic characters.

me: hahahahhahahaha
I LOVE JERRY STILLER!

B: ME TOO!

me: oh and patton oswalt
aka spence

B: It's gonna be a sad day when he dies. (re: Jerry Stiller)

me: dude, will not work that day

B: He creeps me out. He looks like maybe he's got a creepy peen.

me: ...and will spend the day yelling for no reason
wait...who hahahaha
spence or stiller?

B: LOL
Patton.

me: AH....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

B: We got distracted by Stiller inevitable death.
Noooow you're with me!

me: i have NEVER thought of his penis
and now i am!

B: Who, Jerry Stiller's?! NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT JERRY STILLER'S PENIS! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! no
do not do that. it's like thinking of jesus's penis.
don't.

B: One thing we can all agree on:
Everybody loves Raymond is a terrible, terrible show.
Also - two and a half men.
AND the New adventures of Old Christine.

me: never watched 2 and half men

B: Me either.
The idea of watching it gives me hives.

me: my mom LOVES raymond which is why i've even seen it
and i have chuckled, but it annoys the fuck out of me
YES
and old christine i have tried it
and am like: ahhh...white people...and wanda sykes.

B: True story: once during a game of cranium I had to do an impression of Eddie Murphy and everybody thought I was Wanda Sykes.

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
somehow i can see how that would happen
they both like leather
and white women

B: HA! What's unsettling is that I was doing a Shrek-based impression.

me: HAHAHHAHAAHHA-good times.

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