Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Meat Palace

In today’s episode of: Meat Palace, we meet me. An unknowing participant in the days antics which include: meat, magic, pornographic facial hair, Smooth magazine, and high octane trance-including a pleasurable remix to Estelle’s hit, American Boy.

The day of amazement and meat began with House of Pain and Blair both being shocked at how chummy Drake and I are.

House of Pain: (exclaims) He made an effort to say hello to YOU.

Blair: Wow. I’m impressed!

House of Pain: You’ve got the magic touch girl-

Me: No, I’ve got a magical cooch.

…and scene! They look at me, shake their heads and resume pretending to work.
After a bit, a dude I call Pornstache (in my head) walks by. He and I don’t interact; we only smile at each other because he catches me staring at his porn-like moustache. I think about some mid tempo music playing. Pornstache is holding a pizza when- B interrupts my thoughts with a severe need to have Burger n’ Bitches Fridays moved to Gimme Meat Now Thursdays!!
So we went to GoodBurger today instead of tomorrow. B and I did our usual. Eat delicious burgers, talk about the important things in life and then dance it out to amazing trance remixes.
It was the norm, till HE walked in. A few weeks ago B met her American Psycho Killer-Lover…and today I met mine. I only noticed him because he looked INSANE. His head was tilted down, but he was lifting his eyebrows up, facing forward with a De Niro ‘you tawkin’ to me’ look. He walked with this swagger that could’ve been HOT if he wasn’t so…INSANE. I mean, it didn’t look like it fit HIM. In his pressed slacks, side part and ‘gee-golly-wow’ boyish face. He looked like his name was Pete-and he sometimes went by Petey and he worked the trade floor at JP Morgan.
Anywho, I was intrigued. I proceeded to stare at him and he proceeded to like it. Lifting one eyebrow at a time. Looking at me and lifting one eyebrow. The whole time B kept whispering: he’s going to KILL you. I said: I know…but I was just so intrigued by this brand of insanity. B and I get ready to leave, and I ask if I can say hi to him. She says no. Then as I zip up my coat, HE PULLS OUT A SMOOTH (AKA the Black man’s Playboy) MAGAZINE…as if this was going to be his lunchtime read as he ate!

Me: (in a slightly escalated whisper) B! B! He just pulled out a Smooth magazine!! I LOVE HIM!! Do you know what Smooth maga-

B: YES! I know what Smooth magazine is. We have to go. He is going to kill you.

Me: But…but don’t you understand. We are SOUL MATES! (he then turns to look at me and smirks) See!

B: Oh my God! We have to go!

Me: Can I leave him my number?

B: No! Come on!

…Sadly, we leave. All the way back to work I keep trying to find ways to go back to m’boo. Also, had to check in with B to see if THAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!
It did.
I get back from lunch to a chatty Drake. Of course my indifference adds to his sudden lust.

Drake: How was lunch?

Me: Good. Had a burger. How were those Smith & Wollensky sammiches?

Drake: (he shrugs) Not as good as a burger. Did you go to *mentions place that if I name you’ll be closer to figuring out where I work*?

Me: Nope, GoodBurger.

Drake: So you spent 14 dollars on a burger when you could’ve gone to *place that shall go unnamed* and had a good burger at a reasonable price?

Me: I’m a complicated woman. Also, it gives you a chance to take me to *place that shall go unnamed, but be the beginning of Drake and I bonin’ on the regs* so that I can see what all the fuss is about.

Drake: Yeah…

Me: Have you been to Burger Heaven?

Drake: No, how is it?

Me: Not good AND expensive.

Drake: Figures.

Me: Now Five Guys. That cheeseburger with grilled onions will change.your.life.

Drake: Well you can take me there and change it…

Me: Touché….

…aaaannnd scene! Drake then proceeds to do something else- like tend to his sudden erection. Ha! I kid.
During this conversation House of Pain and Blair pretended (but not really) to not be listening. Once Drake was out of earshot and eye…uh…shot, Blair gave me a thumbs up and mouthed: smoooooooooth. HOP proved why she always wins in my book; she proceeded to point in my direction, then his. She made a heart with her hands and then made a hole with her right hand and pointed her index finger on her left. She then simulated us bonin’. It was quite poetic…much like the day.

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