Friday, January 14, 2011

The Break-Up

By now we've all heard about the breakup-Taylor 'ratface' Swift and Jake Gyllenfuck. When I found out about them going out, I stood upon a mountain top...there was lightning (making it official) and proclaimed: Damn you Jake Gyllenfuck now I shall never show you the pleasures of my loins!!!!!!
Then I went on to believe the gay rumors about him- I mean why else would he go out with HER????????? You might as well prop a teddybear and spray it down with something from Bath & Body Works and talk to it because that is what I imagine talking/hanging out with her is like.
...anyways, they broke up (big surprise) and besides there being a song in the works, I was surprised with both my ability to sort of forgive Jake...mostly because I hear he broke up with her MAD WRONG and I kinda like that. So, when I heard that he broke up with her over the phone a few days before New Years, I totally sat back and imagined how that conversation went- may have been doing it at work while creepily smiling to myself.

....here's how it went down (in my head):

Jake gets on the Q train seemingly unnoticed. He is visiting his sister who lives in Park Slope. Riding the train with the common folk make him feel adventurous-dangerous, even. Lately, he's been feeling...gummy, gummy like the gummy worms Taylor likes on the top of her ice cream- he tried placing some on 'P.O.P' aka Prince of Pussy...what he calls his penis, but she just giggled and started a pillow fight.
The train is not too crowded, yet Jake stands by the doors...sadly looking at everyone...feeling empty. He notices a young woman, her aura seems honey colored. She is reading and listening to her iPod- she doesn't notice Jake taking in her loveliness because she is giving the guy next to her the side eye (this would happen because I probably wouldn't notice Jake because my luck is ironic and cruel)...he is sitting like his balls are the size of coconuts.
After exiting the train and station, Jake decides to go for a walk around Prospect Park. He knew what he had to do. He takes his cellphone out.

Jake: (hits 'Pookie Bear' button on his phone-Taylor put that in, he frowns)

Taylor:
(her music is playing in the background, she sounds breathless) Jakey-Bear! How's my cinnamon cider bear??

Jake: (still frowning) I'm okay. What are you up to?

Taylor: Working out. It's awards season and I want to look hot on your arm. I'm alllll grown up now, I'm ready to show the world.

Jake: Right...

Taylor: Everything okay? Did you get the care package I sent?!

Jake: Yes. It's...great...

Taylor:
I sprayed the American Girl doll that looks like me with my perfume!

Jake: Ah...I don't play with dolls, Taylor. Listen...this isn't working.

Taylor: I know! I know you don't play with dolls...but it was sweet...what isn't working? I thought it was working fine...(giggles)

Jake: Taylor, we're not working. This was a mistake...I was going through something-you're a great girl-

Taylor: O M Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jake: You're great. It's me, all me. Well...uh...Happy New Year...

Taylor: Happy New Year?!! That is so friggin'- (click)

Jake sighs and shrugs. He thinks about the girl with the honey colored aura, he smiles.

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