Sunday, January 9, 2011

Conversations with Ice: New Acquaintances pt trois

We left off around Christmas- Ice T and Coco invited Kanye West and I out to their cabin at Mount Airy Lodge. Kanye and I didn't kill each other, nor did we bone. What we did do was build a relationship built on mutual respect and hate. It works. Ice is pleased. To bring in the New Year, Kanye has invited Ice and I to the Russian Tea Room (New York City). He says we're his closest peeps in 2011 and wants to celebrate all classy like with tea n' lil sandwiches.

Kanye: Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate it. (waves a hand over various tea pots) There's quite a selection-only the finest.

Ice T: I see. Do I have to put my pinky finger up?

Kanye: Nah, do you. (looks over at me) You seem quiet...

Me: So you know this isn't Russia, right?

Kanye: Duh.

Me: So you know you can take the mink off- or whatever animal that is. The whole animal...

Ice T: T, pimps are always ice cold. (he and Kanye tap teacups)

Me: (sighs) Well, thank you for inviting me Kanye.

Kanye: See, it's not painful to be a polite lady.

Ice T: Uh...don't push it man. So you were djing a party on New Years Eve? Where was my invite?

Me: Ice, you have to be an STD-ridden whore or a suspect dude to be invited. I wasn't invited either- we should feel good about this.

Kanye: Actually it was an exclusive event-

Me: So only the 'who's who'...

Kanye: Basically.

Me: Like your beard- girlfriend...who is it this week, Kim Kardashian?

Ice T: So you're saying that Coco, Sweet T and I aren't who's n' who?

Kanye: I'm just saying it was an exclusive event. I'm feeling tension, yo. We're sippin' tea, let's keep it calm.

Me: Here you call Ice and I friends, yet we aren't exclusive enough to hang with you-tsk, tsk Kan-ye.

Ice T: Haveta say, I feel a certain way about this. Thought we was cool- I mean tea is cool, but we all in the dark behind closed doors. I feel like a sidepiece, Kanye.

Me: We're just not cool enough. You don't dress like a bitch, Ice...and I don't suck dudes off in bathrooms-

Kanye: Yet-...Y'all are blowing this way out of proportion. Let's move on.

Ice T: Yeah, let's. T, let's go to Starbucks and then go watch Black Swan. Keep it real classy. (stands and leaves)

Me: Hells. Yeah. Kanye, never a pleasure... (leave)

Kanye: This isn't over. Y'all ain't done with me.

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