Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Conversations With Ice: Bones and Boners.




A day like today- all gloomy and wet snow slushie- makes Ice T (the ultimate friend in my head) and I feel real...bleah. He has also been avoiding apologetic calls/run-ins from/with Kanye (West) so we decide to make popcorn and watch Hollywood Shuffle and Love Actually to cheer us up. Ice is still slow to smile though...which is a tragic loss to the world. Sara's smile has nothing on Ice T's.


Me: What gives, Ice? You didn't giggle once during the Negro Theater commercial in Hollywood Shuffle and not even a sniffle when Liam Neeson and his son are on the couch watching Titanic in Love Actually!

Ice T: A lot on my mind, T. The whole father son thing makes me sad too...

Me: Oh...because your son was recently arrested for exposing himself at a strip club?

Ice T: Dammit T! Why'd you have to be all Temperence Brennan with it-

Me: (hold up hand for hi-5) Nice Bones reference! (he waits a while and hi-5's me back) You know we keep it too real, Ice.

Ice T: I know...and there's no way to sugarcoat that shit either.

Me: Yeah, it must be tough. Here you are- a pimp, and your offspring is straight swagger-less...

Ice T: Don't go too far, T. There were circumstances-

Me: ...like he didn't see the 'no sex in the champagne' room sign?

Ice T: I'm sad. I'm in pain and you mock me...

Me: You would do the same. Ice, this is how we do. We kick each other when we're down so that we get back up and maybe even kick back.

Ice T: Yeah, yeah....man, I remember when he and I watched our first porn together and homie didn't show any emotion. Thought he was going to be okay....guess I was wrong-

Me: Emotionless porn watching is a sign of strength?

Ice T: Yes. Most cats get all amped over the hint of some titties- a man, a pimp...a mother fuckin' legend is indifferent. Like it's an everyday occurrence...'oh you had a menage, my dude?' 'well that's a Tuesday for me, playa.'...and so on.

Me: Ah, the key to true pimpdom is not being thirsty, but being blase`-how come that doesn't work for me?

Ice T: There's a fine line between blase' and asexual.

Me: Truth.

Ice T:...and there he is. My son, getting all hyped up...taking his ish all out....

Me: Well, he might've been drunk...or his friends dared him- you know boys.

Ice T: I know, but this is MY son...

Me: What if he was taking it out to smurf a ho?

Ice T: (smiles for the first time) Yeah, like maybe she was talking too much junk during the lapdance and he was like: imma show you!

Me: Exactly. Also, this is why you should just let your son date me-

Ice T: As lovely as that sounds I would lose respect for you getting turned out by a teenager.

Me: Puh-lease.

Ice T: Sweet T, my son would have you singin' Hebrew hymns and we ain't even Jewish....

Me: Wow. Good to have you back Ice....

Ice T: Thanks for bringing me back with your ridiculousness.

Me: My gift...and my curse. (we hi-5 again)

The End.

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