Monday, September 14, 2009

MTV VMA's 2009 Rundown

Have to admit, the true celebrity of the night was the city I call MINE-New York City!!! Love it and hate it, it's the major ingredient to why I am so amazing.:)
The MTV VMA's are known for being outlandish...yet I still could give a fuck-then Michael Jackson died and he basically carried the MTV video on his leather jacketed back so I knew they had to give him major props. I was definitely anticipating the tribute ESPECIALLY when I heard JANET was going to be part of it. AHHHHH!
Everything else would just be stuff for me to hate on or just feel a certain way about. So, here we go...my rundown of the 2009 MTV Video Music Award AKA New York City we *heart* you and all wish we grew up here... HA!

- I usually NEVER watch the arrivals because I am not a starfucker and don't care, but 60mins went off and I figured 'WHY NOT?'-thankfully I did, yo! First Taylor Swift AKA T.Swift arrived Cinderella style with a horse n' carriage (begins singin' Mase n' Camron song in head...we're gonna riiiiiise to the top)- which was fitting because she was the damsel in distress of the night! Liked her dress. Alicia Keys looked good on the red carpet as well...then Cobra Starship arrived-am I supposed to care about them??...cuz I don't. Then them FAME kids rolled up. Um, I have no interest or gumption to see this remake (because new idea's are like originality, nobody has it). The original show was the SHIT and it MADE stars. From what I saw, none of them kids are gonna be stars...except in porn, low grade shit. Quite simply when it comes to FAME: no Leroy (RIP), no dice.
J-Lo arrived and looked great! Wow, I thought Marc Anthony AKA Skeletor would slowly be suckin' her soul from her mouth...like they say cats do, and he would look younger, but that's not happening I guess.
Okay, so I have complained about Jermaine Jackson being greasy before, but now I need to understand why his hair looked plastic! Like 'ken doll' hair! WTF! How does he do that...and can I do the same when it rains? Hmmm.
The BEST part AKA the reason why I was meant to see the arrivals was for Beyonce`! We all know I strongly dislike her and she just keeps adding fuel to the fire. So, Julius her bodyguard was making sure shit was good...but WAS BLOCKING HER CAMERA and Miss Cameltoe got HEATED. She used a certain tone of voice and was all like 'get out of my way I need to be seen BITCH this weave n' wide gait isn't gonna show itself'-then flipped and went back to the B that all the people know n' love. Sweet voice and ethereal-basically fake ass!!!! Arrgh.

- The MJ tribute: Madonna's speech was quite touching. The dancing with the video's was pretty sweet. Then, JANET came out and did 'Scream' and I admit, I got a lil teary eyed (am so lame at times)...it was FANTASTIC!!! *sigh*

- I don't know who was prettier, Joe Perry or Katy Perry??!!! Russell Brand's opening was okay. I would say it was 'meh', but he has a British accent. OH and he brought up that DISGUSTING beetle Lil Wayne and how three tricks are preggers with his kid all at once! UGH!

- The house band idea was pretty cool. Have liked Wale` for minute and especially liked when Daniel Merriweather joined the band. It was cool seeing other groups sing their hits, though I would've thrown pernil at PITBULL! Ay, I will deport that dude! UGH!

- Quite clever MTV. Shakira AKA the She-Wolf and Taylor Lautner AKA Jacob AKA the Wolf in the Twlight series. There was awkward banter. They both looked good...and I was REALLY trying to like Shakira's hooker inspired- uh, thigh-high boots. More importantly they announced the winner for a category that both Beyonce` and Lady Gaga (the nights big nominee's) were in...I don't recall it because...um, I don't care. All I know is Pink was nominated and I would've LOVED for her to win....OR Lady Gaga...Taylor Dane...ANYONE but Beyonce`.
Taylor Swift WINS!!!! OH SHIT! Who knew? I think the chick is a talented songwriter...and the video was aight, but...really...okay...then every ones favorite BITTER BITCH Kan-ye goes on stage and takes the mic out of T.Swift's hand and says that Beyonce should've won! WOW. Fucked up on many levels. Class-less. Hopefully, Kan-yeasty took his 'beard-ho' home and she put a strap-on on and pounded him to sleep...well that's what I'm gonna say happened because MTV didn't show him anymore.

- GreenDay wins an award for something. I was concerned with Billie Joe Armstrong's hair. WTF? It was like a gay koala attacked him and a blind chimp gave him highlights. Later they performed and turned the stage into a mosh pit-that was cool.

- OH SNAP! Two teen dreams got on stage and I don't know their names- this further proves that I am NOT a pedophile, nor am I as lame as I seem- the boy teen dream is some singer-I know this because I have turned from his video plenty of times...Usher is in it though...and the boy is pretty, hopefully he (Usher) can keep his cock to himself. Anywho, they were up there announcing T.Swift performing when the lil dude WENT AT Kanye!!! Loved it!
T.Swift then performed the song that I secretly like-I watch the video and sing along to myself hoping not even my cats can hear me! 'You belong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee....'

- Lady Gaga. I was with her and enjoyed her performance until she had her period on stage!!!! WTF?!!! A cool performance...I deem...yeah.

- Britney Spears won over Lady Gaga AND Beyonce!!!! Like woah. Bloated crackwhores UNITE! You got this!

- Megan Fox wore a dress with hips.

- NEW MOON! OMG!! (does teenage squeal) The movie looks AMAZING!! SO much better than the first! I love that Dakota Fanning is in it because I think she is a great lil actress. AHHHHHHHH! I am on Team Cashmere! (on that team everybody wins because I get both Edward and Jacob!)

- Speaking of OMG!!! Am sure Ne-Yo was beside himself to be standing next to Chance...Chase...Cockswallower ...uh, Crawford from Gossip Girl. Just know he was squealing on the inside...and the out when he let Chase into his..'mancave'.

- Ah, geez. Beyonce performs. Same ole. Leotard. High heels. Big weave. Fan. Wide legged crotch rotation. Blah, blah, blah.
The glove wins though. Always.

- Kanyeasty kept getting booed whenever he was mentioned. LOVE the hate. Finally peeps are seeing what I always have...sure he's talented, but he is a bitch who needs to get punched the eff out sometimes. SOON y'all will see the truth about Beyonce!! SOOOOOON!

- Oh...Eminem and Tracey Morgan were doing these pre-recorded bits about getting Tracey Morgan on the VMA's to perform. I guess they were funny. I think they announced the viewers choice award, but I turned to HGTV Design Star!!! YAY Antonio won!!!- I have this thing with Em...like I know I would kick him repeatedly in the throat, but I kinda wanna bone him. He has crazy eyes and he is the king of bitch-assednes...I dunno...
Am so complex.

- Gerard Butler is announcing Muse. Gerard can get it sometimes too-after I boil him in clorox.
It makes me sad that the author of Twilight says that she was influenced by Muse's music. It makes me sad because I have liked Muse for a minute- this discovery almost makes it seem dirty to like them, but then again I sing along to Taylor Swift..so what the heck do I know??

- WOW. Eminem won in the hip hop category. For real? As long as Asher Roth didn't win-I would've used Kid Cudi as a bat and beaten peeps to death a la my boo Eli Roth AKA The Bear Jew - wait did Em say daughters??? He has more than just Hayley?

- ....speaking of Kid Cudi he called himself paying DJ AM tribute. Whatever he was doing I'm sure made AM want another hit of crack...

- Aww Serena Williams AKA the habitual line stepper-OOOOO! She looked a bit draggish though...AGAIN, what do I know, she is boning Common. I'm not.

- PINK!!!!! Pink performs her song 'Sober' while being tossed about in the air. Showed great breath control. Great acrobatics...plus I just love Pink!

- Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon are announcing vid of the year. They were funny and I would probably have awkward crushes on both of them if I were around them-hmm...so Beyonce` wins. Oh joy. I think the REAL winner was her sister Solange who looked GREAT!!! B earned like 2pts (added to her grand total of -1,000,002 [yeah that's a NEGATIVE]) for letting T.Swift get her shine on. It was mostly for business-let us not forget that Kanye is on Jigga's payroll, people...and mama needs a new leotard!
Still...it was the right thing to do.

- I was HIGHLY ANTICIPATING the Jigga Cameltoe/Alicia Keys performance! LOVE the song!...the performance was cool and then Lil Bow Wow- I mean Lil Mama got on stage for some reason. Why? Really...why? She has no talent...I don't think she's from New York...cool performance though.

I guess that's that. The awards WERE pretty much meh...BUT New York City looked good. Lot's of love, and made me appreciate the city that had a hand in making me.
...now someone go find Kanye, I think the strap-on is stuck!

OHHHHH and here's a line from the season finale of TrueBlood that pretty much says a lot: "You might have your faults Andy, but at least you've got pants on." (dude who said it had on nothing but boxers)

1 comment:

  1. a blind chimp gave him highlights?! hahahahaha you almost make me want to watch this shit.

    i admit to watching kanye be a douche on youtube this morning - that dude is talented (when he's not "singing"), but could he have been a bigger bitch? i don't care if it was staged (as some blogs are saying), it ain't right.

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