Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Place Where I Work: My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard...Somtimes...

I had a milkshake that made me feel like a male vampire was making slow love to me *shiver shiver*. A vampire because they are cold, unlike a man-man, who I would compare to good hot cocoa.
The milkshake was THAT good though. It was made from chocolate ice cream with crunchy peanut butter swirls going through it. This may also be known as the "I may be going through PMS and if I don't drink this I might just kill you for real' milkshake. Mmmmm mmmmmm!!!
Definitely needed to get me over my FINAL week in Hell. I should be more excited, but I live in the present (try to) and am still in HELL!
...there are some characters in Hell that help me get by. There's Head Honcho, he is an older gent who wears suspenders with matching ties. Very distinguished. He doesn't do much...except say hi to me EVERY TIME HE WALKS BY. Fun the first 3 times, but by the afternoon, I am ready to curse.
There's the Albino Dude-you from that Dan Brown book that became the movie starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou. For the life of me cannot think of the name of the movie!!! Anyways, you know who I am talking about. The Albino Dude looks like he flogs himself...and looks...albino. That's all.
I've decided to single out one of the Gaggle of Douche's. He is tall. He is blonde. He is ALL AMERICAN. I call him Crest...because he looks like he has a family crest....and Chip would be TOO EASY.
So, Crest is the one who knows Jimmy Fallon-which makes me wonder about Mr. Fallon. Crest walks by my desk as I am about to send a text. He smugly smirks at my phone. My lil cell phone. No touch screen. No apps. He pulls out his iPhone and it proceeds to jack him off. Didn't know there was an app for that.
Nate Berkus is still my guy though. I still amuse him and he doesn't annoy me. He is a screenwriter when he is NOT in Hell. There's a connection- I knew it!! When I daydream...which I do most of the day, I picture Nate and I having 'writer sex'. Jeff Buckley would play in the background. Our afterglow would involve doing the New York Times crossword puzzle-together...and then we'd scribble our feelings in our individual notebooks. Never revealing our feelings to each other...we'd just write them out. Then we'd find some dramatic way to breakup-because writers create drama...or is that just me?...post-breakup we'd both write best-selling books, but mine would be made into a movie because I am funnier. :)

Ahhhh! It is sooo hard for me to get up in the morning and to go Hell. My motivation is money. Usually its food...or a good laugh, but to get me to Hell, I must think about the money. I think this is why I have been all about finding a rich douche to finance my dreams...or lack thereof. Usually I could give a fuck about a dude being rich, its hard enough finding someone NICE.
So, I've been hanging around SoHo....cuz I feel that's where the type of rich douche I can deal with hangs. Perhaps, I don't know what I'm doing because I am usually RUNNING AWAY from these guys, but being in Hell has altered my state-for now. Its made me realize, maybe I don't have to work...
The thing is, I don't dress slutty (enough) so I have to say something to intrigue the douche. Once I say one thing because saying anything more would ruin everything!!! As the douche speaks I let Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance' play over n' over in my head. This gives me a blank yet thoughtful stare.
It isn't enough though....so thankfully Hell ends this week!! Yay!
....also, I haven't bagged a douche. Maybe I really am just scary, or too aloof, or intimidating, or lacking a certain je ne said quois. The Gaggle of Douche's are jumpy around me and try too hard to be friendly which brings out the Black Tina Fey in me. Are they scared of me? Is my exotic beauty truly too much?? HA! Hmmmm...will sip milkshake and contemplate my predicament...

1 comment:

  1. Please don't bag a douche! You don't need to settle, you just need a rich romeo.

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