Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Near Death and Ass Play

Oh where to begin.
Let me start with last night as I was leaving. This is when Dracul (pronounced Drack-kool) introduced himself to me. Dude, literally appeared beside me as I waited for the elevator to come. I was contemplating my walk to Soho-to window shop and cry. Also, contemplated a trip to the Atlantic Center because there is a Target there and when I can't buy anything at a fancy boutique, I buy things at Target and that makes me happy.:)
So, I am waiting for the elevator deep in thought when I hear: You're new.
His voice is deep, and I turn to look into some engaging green eyes. Dracul isn't as hot as some of the dudes here, but he has that 'Bill Clinton' charisma thing where after some wine and conversation you consider neckin' with him.
Dracul then slowly holds out his hand to shake mine, his green eyes never leaving my brown ones. A smile on his lips.
I introduce myself, he introduces himself and then asks how my day went. I tell him it was lively. He chuckles, taking me in...and then stepping aside so that I could get on the elevator. Once the doors close, he says something about the fall and I chuckle and say something back. Then silence. I am so bad with small talk, I welcome this silence.
I glance at my cellphone. Check out my watch necklace. Adjust my scarf- am all about layering my summer clothes with scarves till I truly believe summer is OVER-or when I decide to pull the fall gear out.
For some reason I feel massively uncomfortable. My Brooklyn Eyes are in effect. I turn to look at Dracul right before the elevator doors open. He was staring at me the whole time. With those eyes and that smile. Eyeing my neck. One would think I'd be aroused with the prospect of a vampire-especially one so powerful-but I was more frightened especially when he said goodnight and did this throaty laugh.
My suspicions about his blood drinking were piqued since I don't see him AT ALL during the day, but once its time to go home he appears. Hmmm...shall see what happens tonight when I leave.

So, I walk to and through Soho last night and really should have gone to Target, but was too busy almost dying on the train. See, I am really allergic to oranges. I know, strange, but I am. If I am even near one, I get this tingle in my throat, my face gets hot and I start breaking out in 'meth head' scars. No fun. A guy decided to eat 2 oranges on the train last night. The first woke me from my slumber because I couldn't breathe and the second I was able to fan myself, but felt too ill/weak/weird to get off the train and by the time I summoned the strength to kick the dude, he was finished and I was at my home stop. I call last nights train ride 'DEATH TRAIN'...all I needed was Dracul on the train and my life moments would've been numbered for REAL!

This morning, I still felt like ass, but decided that looking cute and having a good attitude would be the way to go.
I was greeted by this chick I call Lumpy-yeah there are chicks who work here, but who has time for them when there are all these DUDES!!! (twirls as guys in shorts dance around me) Lumpy wasn't here yesterday, but she is here today and she STILL doesn't like me. She didn't like me when I worked here before, and its good to see that she is consistent. I call her Lumpy because she wears clothes that don't fit her right, therefore causing lumps. Not curves. Lumps. It also isn't my fault, that I too am not a skinny chick-more soft n' curvy- yet I find that I am sexy and can wear clothes that fit.
Barely have the energy to smirk at Lumpy-then The Matador saunters near. The Matador is about 6'2". The color of cafe' mocha, with curly black hair (its just the way he looks at me that gentle loving stare-sorry, just broke out in Ce Ce Peniston) and an ass that is in a perma-fight with his trousers and NOT in a bad way. He moves elegantly. He speaks with a THICK Spanish accent-and yeah I basically swoon when I see him. There is this large coffin-like box in my area. He comes by to move it to his area. As he tries to see how to go about doing this, he says: Think I can roll this around the place?
I hear: Do you wanna roll with me around this place?
I begin to giggle and say: I don't know.
He looks at me weird and rolls the coffin away. Ever since then, he looks at me with disdain-this only makes me want him MORE!
This also begins my day of awkward conversational moments.

There's this young dude-like I think he is still in college- I call him my Future Ex Boyfriend. I call him this because I want to bang him out and maybe share french fries, but that shit won't last.
Future Ex comes by my desk, avoiding eye contact, and is just really shifty. This could be from a large intake of pop-rocks or trying to hide his erection. I am thinking erection because I have seen the behavior before and am used to it- tis the woes of being sexy. :P
Future Ex asks me about myself. What I do-temp and drink coffee. Where I'm from-my moms. What I like to do when I am not temping and drinking coffee-lure young men to my bed. We chat, but his nervousness is making ME nervous, and thankfully his arch nemesis Justin Fingerbang has summoned him-keeping him from me.
Now Justin Fingerbang and I go wayyyy back to when I worked here before. He and I like to go to beaches on Long Island- I was hoping I would bump into him in trunks. JF is HOT. He is a douchier version of Justin Timberlake and thanks to B (she is my friend who writes the Post-Its From The Underground blog you see on the side of my page) deeming him a porn star, I named him Justin Fingerbang.
In fact, just as I finished reading and laughing at the email that B sent me saying how she thinks JF turns tricks on camera...JF strolls up to my desk. He asks if I know how to change the TV channel- okay, I know I fit in and seem like I know what's going on, but I DON'T WORK HERE and YES part of my job is watching soccer ALL DAY. ALL DAY! I get paid! YES!- I tell JF I have no idea how to change the channel and ask him why he wants it changed. He says there's been a penile enlargement commercial on for 20 mins.
I laugh and shift uncomfortably. He smirks and walks away.
Of course now I want JF in the worse way. He keeps coming by my desk for no reason and saying random shit to me-which is cool, but I am about to blurt out: Justin Fingerbang!
Luckily, for him, I am now on HIGH ALERT and have no time for ass play because Dracul will be rising....


  1. I never, ever want to share french fries with anyone. Even my moms. So that must be a hot ass man.

  2. See me, I like french fries, but I don't MESS with my biscuits. If I break a hot buttermilk biscuit and offer you a piece...and you's a dude- OH MAN! Not only hot, but breaking.that.back!

  3. aaah, justin. i like how he's bringin' it quincy style with the fingahbang(!). did i mention that my ex boyfriend is getting married in quincy? ok, next town over, but still.

    i'm a little jealous of your coffee drinkin' temping ways. but i know if i put my time in, and you keep the writing up, we'll be kickin' up the feet in the south of france before too long. there will be men, and biscuits.

  4. ...can we be sipping on white sangria- made with wine from our villa? and yes! there WILL be biscuits!

    its soooo funny you noticed my quincy reference which was based on a new england reference because JF wears boating shoes! AHHHHH! clever.

  5. HAHAHA, Love it! Say sup to Dracul for me would ya?