Monday, November 30, 2009

Review: The Souuuuuulllll Train Awards

A PSA TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SHANKED IF YOU ARE NOT BLACK:
Let me preface this review by saying some of y’all unfamiliar with the glory that is Soul Train, will most likely not understand/ know who/what I am talking about. By y’all I mean people who aren’t Black. If you are Black and have no idea what Soul Train is and who/what I am talking about, TURN IN YOUR BLACK CARD!!! Mark ‘other’ and just be done with you. You don’t deserve the natural rhythm, nor the insta-swagger.
Soul Train was part of growing up. You watched it on Saturday mornings. You danced, you sang along and you LOVED IT! Now, Black people will most likely know the artists I am writing about because we have to. Black people HAVE TO know who’s out there representing us-so any famous Black person-we all know about. Must know who is moving us forward…or setting us back…or needs to be HANDLED.
This is not to say that OTHERS will not know what’s going on, but I’m just saying don’t ask the nearest Black person what the dealy is- Google that shit.
The End.

The Soul Train Awards went on hiatus due to Don Cornelius being OLD and new people needing to take over. I hear the show is coming back…and so did the awards, but there will BE NO ONE like that slow talking don…Don Cornelius. This was proven by the pre-show red carpet which was hosted by that closeted gay Farnsworth ‘I was Diddy’s ass pillow’ Bentley- seriously, what was up with dudes hair?? I get that we’re all going back to the 80’s/90’s/when shit was UGLY, but COME ON!
So, he along with 2 other tricks- one of them being a former member of Destiny’s Child- hosted the show and made me wish for anything but THEM! I was annoyed, but didn’t turn because I had to see the Chaka Khan tribute.

Let me tell you something, another reveal about myself, I LOVE anticipating the opening act of an awards show. I get giddy, like I am opening the show…but I wasn’t. It was Toni Braxton-blonde and at a piano- and Trey Songz. I don’t get all the hype about that dude- I mean he is attractive and doesn’t make my ears bleed, but I am real ‘meh’ when it comes to him. Perhaps its cuz when he first came out he had cornrows and sang a favorite song ‘Just Gotta Make It’. He seemed earnest and humble…now he’s talking about how he invented sex. Eff that dude. Eff his black patent leather shoes. Eff all the hype about he and Toni Braxton making out on stage INFRONT of her husband and then causing their divorce- PUHLEASE. I kiss my bro more hardcore than that- okay I don’t, but I’m just saying that kiss wasn’t all that. Call it what it is people- PUBLICITY. Toni has an album coming out. He is the new schlong on the table. It is what it is. Now, if they straight boned on stage, I’d believe the hype.

Terrence ‘Babywipes’ Howard and Taraji P. ‘I got a weave y’all’ Henson were the hosts of the evening. I mean…yeah, they were entertaining, but I could’ve done without a lot of it…but then I would’ve fallen asleep. So I dunno. Defenitely didn’t need all the references to their lackluster films…well some, not all…and my eyes n’ ovaries could’ve done without the MAKEOUT! All in all they should stick to acting and NOT singing-like really, that’s what they have SINGERS for…or so I am told.
Like during that whole Motown tribute, they could’ve gotten 3 really great singers to be The Supremes, but instead it was Taraji and 2 secretaries who work for BET. Not cool. Hmm, that new singer Melanie Fiona sang something. She has a lot of hair.
Estelle was also part of the tribute and I *heart* her, she sang with some no-name yellow chick. Hmmm. More importantly, Johnny Gill came out and sang ‘My, My, My’ which is a fave of mine. It is just sooooo damn serious!!!-even if Johnny is singin’ to a dude. There is totally NOTHING wrong with that, just stop frontin’ Johnny.
Either before or after the whole Motown thing, Ryan ‘I am a nerd who gets laid now’ Leslie performed. Like, I wanna like him…and even own his CD, but I want to punch him non-stop. Not in a good way either. He was also singing a song about calling a chick his good friend-but remember you’re not his girl, you’re just bonin’ and he takes you for brunch sometimes-but don’t get it twisted. This is meaningless because any kind of real relationship would require depth and I am a dude…who has the depth of a Louis Vuitton messenger bag.
Thankfully Mr. Leslie wasn’t on long, but then Mario and some dude who should only sing in the shower (with no one within earshot) came out. They looked like two pretty boys at the club who decided form a group-Mario can sing though which was a nice change.
This is not going to be in order because I was busy checking the weather and pissy because Beyonce` won ALBUM OF THE YEAR???!! REALLY?!- Oh, and what’s with Keri Hilson winning ALL the awards. I am glad it wasn’t Beyonce`, but COME ON! Her songs are catchy and she is nice to look at, but really?! Over Chrisette Michelle?
Anyways, a tribute was made to Charlie Wilson formerly of The Gap Band. I was definitely 2-stepping to the songs…and paid special attention to who sang one of my all-time favorite tunes ‘Outstanding’. Thankfully it was Raheem Devaughn-who I just love. I KNOW, am sounding like such a ‘neo-souler’, but I really am not. So put away the knitwear and Djembe’s. Those who REALLY know me, know that I am asshole who enjoys a great voice…hot lyrics and a beat to pop my ass to. Tis all. Mr. Wilson still has an amazing voice, and has this new song out about meeting a woman at the mall and how she is the only-iest woman for him. *sigh* I love that song! It is my JAM!
There was a small Michael Jackson tribute. His death is still something I don’t believe…after trying to wrap my head around it I listened to ‘Human Nature’.

This has nothing to do with the show, but there was a commericial for Mariah Carey’s perfume set. This brought back memories of when I tried one of her scents and walked around smelling like a baby whore. It was HORRIFIC! Love Mariah. Love the voice, the songwriting, the trashy Lycra cut-outs…but will NEVER buy her perfume’s. Never ever.

OH, I think during the Motown tribute Chico DeBarge sang ‘I Like It’ (another favorite) by his brother El. Sadly, I believe El just got out the slammer on some drug charges. Chico did right by his bro and all light skinned people.
Then Robin Thicke came out. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the IDEA of Robin Thicke. Have had a long standing complicated and fruitless love of ‘White Chocolate’. So, Robin Thicke with his soul stylings and lovely Black wife go accordingly with that…but then he sings live and I want to punch things…and him. Falsetto’s are nice, but his-when not in studio- makes my loins go dry and kinda makes me wanna go through a ‘kick a White dude’ phase.
Hmm…
Okay, FINALLY the Chaka Khan tribute!!!!!! I grew up on a steady diet of Chaka Khan. Like my mom would’ve disowned me if I didn’t know at least ONE of her songs by heart. Luckily, I know them all. Even the ones with Rufus-don’t test. Anyways, it was a great tribute to a fabulous performer-could’ve done without Fantasia’s racket, but hey…I am no American Idol winner…sooo…

Overall, I like where the Soul Train Awards head was at, but I almost fell asleep once and checked the weather in Spain twice- in case I go sometime soon. That may mean something.

2 comments:

  1. I completely disagree. His falsetto sounds great live, he had perfect pitch. He records only in one take so he is anything but a studio singer. I've seen both Musiq and Maxwell live and they can barely sing their falsetto heavy songs yet everyone want to harp on the white boy. If you want to call Thicke out fine, but call of them out. None of them are perfect. Maxwell can't even sing This Woman's Work anymore yet he is still treated like he can't do any wrong. Be fair or keep the obvious hate to yourself.

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  2. Um, my hate is SO obvious and consistent. Not to defend my OPINION (which really are like assholes), but I own a few Robin Thicke CD's...in fact all of them, soooooooo- me saying that I hate his live performance falsetto is what it is.
    Don't get me started on ole dead-eye Musiq, but I like him too...and um, Maxwell can do no wrong because I want to bone that dude. He can sing on key or off-it don't matter.

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