Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Guide To Crushes/Dating by Me

Due to the 'success' of my previous 'How to's': How Not To Get Laid by Me and Why Am I Single?by Me (a way to answer people's pesky questions about why you don't have a mate)[I should link you to those hilarious yet informative posts, but that would involve me knowing how to link things-also may feel a certain kind of way about you NOT reading my shit! Hmmm], I decided to continue with my selflessness and create a guide to crushing (not Big Pun style, more the intense innocent like) and dating. Though I am no expert and should follow my own advice, I have come to an understanding that more likely than not I will live in the company of many cats and eventually marry one of the voices in my head.

Anyways, this is more about you and less about me (for once)!!

I will show you through my natural born wisdom (common sense) and observations of friends n' family, how to effectively handle crushing and dating without becoming scarred, bitter and psychotic!

1) The splendors of a crush!

Crushes are healthy. They add zest to life. I know if I don't have at least one crush going on, I feel kinda empty and full of gloom.:( Crushes are awesome. They can be fleeting and you can have as many as you want without the chance of disease. You don't have to put much thought into crushing because they just feel good! This is perfect for an over thinker like myself! Just going with a feeling that can either grow into something nice like a relationship...or something bad like OBSESSION!
Crushes make you feel like an eternal teenager-using the good parts like sweet awkwardness and clumsy blushing. This doesn't mean you ACT like a yougin' n' snap bra's or tell your friend to ask the guy if he likes you. That's fucked up.

Subsection A: A good way to insure that your sweet sweet crush doesn't land you in prison-because you stalked n' killed said crush- is to crush on many. Crush on celebs. Crush on your doctor, your Starbucks barista, the guy/gal you see on the subway every morning. Be easy. Don't get caught up with having to see this ONE person all the time to better insure not becoming OBSESSED.
Also note that crushes don't =relationship or that this person even cares that you're alive. You cannot force your crush to crush on you back. That would be crazy. If it does happen-naturally- then LUCKY YOU!

Subsection B: You can crush on celebs-they're EVERYWHERE- because that's what they're there for. For you to admire and want to screw with no consequences. They are groomed to look good, smell good and act like your mainline fantasy. Done and done....just don't get confused and think that when Justin Timberlake/Jessica Alba is on Letterman, and they look into the camera...that its some type of message to you. Its not. Unless you meet JT/JA in person and they have their assistant ask if you'd like to join them in VIP for some coke and oral- they REALLY don't know you're alive and pretty much only care if you are alive when they are promoting albums or movies.
...and its not like they'll care about you before/after/during the coke n' oral in VIP, its just that they know you exist and will soon forget you exist once their assistant has dragged you away.

2) Crush turns into strong like!

There is a point when you realize that you are really digging a person. Your tummy gets all tingly when you see them, you think about them randomly, you MySpace/Facebook stalk them, you bring them up to your friends randomly, and you wonder what it would be like to twist them out AKA have sex with them. Being a Gemini (master of logic not emotion, more 'masculine' than 'feminine'), I find it hard to be all vulnerable in the hands of feelings, so I have a step before like which I call being smitten with someone. It just means I like them, but don't want to because that would involve me caring and then eventually being disappointed. A cynical!

During this stage its important to remain NOT OBSESSED and come to a decision as to how to deal with the current status of your heart-awww. Here are some scenarios that should help you during this important/confusing time of liking someone and trying to figure out what to do:

-if you are already seeing someone or married, fall the fuck back! cheating is NOT COOL- have always felt you can choose to tell your mate pre-cheating, 'hey I wanna fuck somebody else, but I respect ya enough not to do it on your time'. if you are having INTENSE feelings for someone else, then you owe it to the one your with to really think about your next step. figure out if you can work it out with the one you're with or dump their ass and get with the dream! either way someone will get hurt-just make sure its all worth it...and not just cuz you wanna fuck somebody else.

-if the person you like is seeing someone else or married, fall the fuck back! don't be a home wrecker, that shit ain't cute. there are too many single, viable, lonely, ready n' willing to fuck you people out there. the only time you should matter to this person (the one you like that's in the relationship) is if they really like you back-just watch how they handle the relationship they're in because it'll show/tell a lot.
...and if you INSIST on GOING FOR YOURS, please note that karma is a bitch indeed!

-if the person you like is single and so are you, well now its time to SAC UP or...not. if you sense there is a possibility that they like you on that. be easy. go with the flow. access how you want this person to fit in your life: just for fuckin', wife/hubby down, friendly fuckin', etc. GO FOR IT!!! confidence-not cockiness. charm n' wit-not 'please put it in me or please let me put it in you'.
if the person doesn't like THAT or you never SAC UP- move the fuck on! continuing to dwell on a fruitless situation leads to OBSESSION and keeping you from meeting a person who is feeling you!

-when talking to the person you like you're bound to be nervous. its perfectly fine to have a good friend around or close by or just a text away to keep you in check. if you're like me you're bound to say something to fuck it all up! even with friends around I can fuck it up anyways-which is why I know its gonna be me and 10 cats in my future. at least two of them will be named bittles. bittles one and bittles two. one will be named ghostface killah and another bruce leroy.
hmmm...where was I? OH, yes. so always have someone around who cares about you and really wants you to get laid- its also good to have peeps around for that second opinion. perhaps your judgement is a tad clouded. outsiders aka friends can bring some things to light or keep you from becoming obsessed!

3) They like you back and now its time for that first date!

So, someone has sac'd up or you've realized you're both not psychotic and there's chemistry...doesn't matter HOW you got here, just know that you did and now you're about to embark on the first date. Sweet. Just remember this doesn't mean marriage, relationship or that you will continue to like this person or they you. Its best to go with flow and not have any expectations. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy interacting with another human being...and let it be. Hopefully you won't be too nervous, or that your nervousness will come across as cute. Actually, feeling nervous IS endearing. So many people are so suave n' cool or are used to having peeps on their jock...its nice to not be in control and have another person affect you like that.

Subsection A: Call me old fashioned, but a person should be asked out properly, i.e. via in person or by telephone. If you do it by text and you're above the age of 16 , you're wack- but that's just my opinion.

4) Now you're dating, woo hoo!!

*le sigh* Things are going swell. You have a new homie-lovah-friend and you/they haven't fucked it up. Continue to be easy-ladies wait till ring is purchased to start acting INSANE and proceed with and fella's one you purchase ring and put the ring on it (ugh) realize that life as you know it...will change drastically, but you have accepted that hence the cushion cut.:)
You're experiencing new things together and having great times. They still make your tummy tingly n' your palms sweat-hopefully this feeling stays for a while. You're on the same page and kinda know what you want and you're going for it. Live the dream!! You're so glad you took a chance and hope that you'll never hate this person even if you break up-awwww.

Subsection A: Let's say you're dating and things are cool, but you're not two bugs in a rug. The person may seem like they're dating other people-which they're allowed if you guys haven't discussed exclusivity. To keep yourself in check, you should date others too....or take up new hobbies or just occupy yourself. Do not hound the person you are dating or expect them to read your mind. If you feel like 'hey, I don't wanna see anybody else, boo'-then TELL THEM and see how it goes. If they don't feel the same then dust your shoulders off and try again...preferably with someone else. That's the amazing thing about life, do-overs are ENDLESS.

Subsection B: When dating and/or crushing on someone keep all fantasies about naming of children and wedding style to yourself or share with friends ONLY. The person you're dating may think that shit is cute-but deep down they are alarmed and so will begin the countdown to when you get kicked to the curb.
If these things are brought up mutually, then cautiously go for it...just appear nonchalant or like you've never discussed this with your friends. Protect your neck. Being a chick who has NEVER thought about her wedding-and from the looks of things won't have to- I don't have this problem. I do like naming children though...eeek.

I truly hope that my guide helps you through this journey called life. I hope everyone meets their match and is soooo happy they have NO TIME to piss me off!
That is truly living the dream!

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